tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81667298237805735362024-03-14T09:20:19.998+00:00Football ClichésA crusade to analyse, in excruciating depth, the art of the football cliché. The saturation of football coverage has ensured the emergence of a code, to which everyone in football unwittingly adhere.
I seek to dissect this code.FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-27343242413231281052014-10-18T20:45:00.001+00:002016-08-02T17:15:09.597+00:00Football Clichés book out now!<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #ffe599; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><b>In what other context do football fans use the words 'aplomb' or 'derisory'? Who don't we use 'rifle' as a verb on the other six days of the week? Why do aggrieved midfielders feel the instinctive need to make a giant ball-shaped gesture with both hands after a mistimed tackle is punished?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><span style="color: #ffe599;"><b>Some clichés are ridiculous, some are quaintly outdated, some have survived through their sheer indisputability. In this book, with the aid of some pseudo-scientific diagrams, the language of football is explored in all its glory.</b></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1WQ3HPoXWrM/VecRFKEwRTI/AAAAAAAABTc/IO5Pa5qZe2o/s1600/pic%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1WQ3HPoXWrM/VecRFKEwRTI/AAAAAAAABTc/IO5Pa5qZe2o/s640/pic%2B.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">A must-have ... This book, intelligent and sharp but still affectionate, is a spiritual heir to the best of the printed fanzines, to Danny Baker and Danny Kelly's gleeful radio shows, to the irreverent delight in the game's quirks celebrated by websites such as Football365.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><b><i>The Telegraph</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #b9c6d4;"><span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">This affectionate dissection of the game's well-worn phrases mildly mocks a few of the more tired ones, for instance "slide rule pass" - who uses a slide rule these days? - but points out that new ones are still being coined; apparently, Jose Mourinho first used the now-ubiquitous "parking the bus" as recently as 2004. As for TV pundits, what, according to Alan Hansen, do defenders fear most? All together now: "pace", be it searing, blistering, lightning, explosive, in abundance, bags of, to burn, genuine and on occasion even deceptive. For me, this is a top, top effort by the boy Hurrey, and at the end of the day you can't say fairer than that.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #b9c6d4;"><span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">An entertaining, hilarious dissection of the language of football, complete with diagrams and illustrations. Open your chequebook for a last-ditch transfer swoop.</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #ffd966; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Click the covers below for more details and to order the UK or US edition:</span></b></div>
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<br />FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-91727288379650859382014-04-18T20:18:00.000+00:002014-05-01T10:44:47.486+00:00The Minute-by-Minute: As It's Happened<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GiJfNqn_MjI/U1BHo5DFzRI/AAAAAAAABIk/3LaZQyqaoiQ/s1600/mbm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GiJfNqn_MjI/U1BHo5DFzRI/AAAAAAAABIk/3LaZQyqaoiQ/s1600/mbm.jpg" height="181" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Hello, everyone. <a href="http://www.ufjf.br/revistaveredas/files/2011/05/artigo-72.pdf" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">A 2011 study</a> by language professor Gunnar Bergh of Mid-Sweden University hypothesised that "</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>public football commentary is typically organised in accordance with the </i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>principles and parameters of warfare</i>". In studying the Guardian's minute-by-minute coverage of the knockout stages of Euro 2008, Bergh found that <b><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2008/jun/26/russiaspainlive" target="_blank">Sean Ingle's report of the semi-final between Russia and Spain</a></b> contained 117 "war-inspired expressions" in its 90-minute window. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If, as Orwell once essayed, "sport is frankly mimic warfare" then the minute-by-minute report is its most faithful document.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Minute-by-minute football coverage (or MBM-ing) is the written equivalent of Soccer Saturday: reading someone writing what they see in a football match, as they see it. Bergh describes it as "<i>a hybrid of oral commentary and written reports in newspapers". </i>With its innate immediacy comes a certain informality that gets professionally sandpapered out of a "proper" match report. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But just who's reading it</i>, I found myself briefly wondering on </span><a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/competitions/premier-league/10747807/Everton-v-Arsenal-live.html" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank"><b>my recent MBM-ing debut</b></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Perhaps minute-by-minute reports might have been better suited to Ceefax's heyday, before unpoliceable internet live-streaming opened up the 3pm Saturday kick-offs to anyone living in Derby as well as Dubai.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The coverage was pioneered by the Guardian's website during the 1998 World Cup. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It's an intense format - there's essentially a deadline roughly every 90 seconds - and <b><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2011/feb/15/aris-thessaloniki-manchester-city-live" target="_blank">an uneventful game</a></b> is arguably just as challenging as a <b><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2012/may/13/manchester-city-qpr-live-premier-league" target="_blank">pulsating</a></b>, <b><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2012/may/19/champions-league-final-chelsea-bayern-live" target="_blank">end-to-end</a></b> <b><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2012/oct/30/reading-arsenal-live-report-mbm" target="_blank">barnstormer</a></b>. Bergh again observes: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>"The noted variation in word count is probably due to such factors as the length of the match...the character of the play...and the idiosyncracies of the commentator (e.g. his personal bent towards verbosity)."</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><b><a href="http://www.constablerobinson.com/?section=books&book=and_gazza_misses_the_final_9781472111036_paperback" target="_blank">And Gazza Misses the Final</a></b></i>, a new book by seasoned (dare I say <i>grizzled</i>?) MBM-ers Rob Smyth and Scott Murray, seeks to revisit the most famous matches in World Cup history and present them again in real time and, crucially, at face value. Some of the most endlessly-replayed moments on football's greatest stage stand side-by-side with the gloriously mundane (</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><b>23 min:</b> The sun's out!</i>).</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_1tkgpmK3bQ/U0_cYhdG9VI/AAAAAAAABIU/Cy29tcdCh1A/s1600/gazzabook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_1tkgpmK3bQ/U0_cYhdG9VI/AAAAAAAABIU/Cy29tcdCh1A/s1600/gazzabook.jpg" height="400" width="260" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Particularly for someone with my attention span, it's virtually impossible to read this book directly from cover to cover. You're drawn immediately to the game that most captures your imagination - <b><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/mar/27/retro-mbm-england-v-west-germany-sort-of-live" target="_blank">England v West Germany in 1990</a></b>, in my case. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In turn, your eyes are irresistibly dragged towards the iconic incidents, which are identified by <b>bold text and a suitable number of exclamation marks!!! </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">These plot twists are well-worn nostalgia, but this format brings them back to life as unexpected moments of drama. These are convincing snapshots of quasi-immediacy that, despite being written decades after the event, convey the sensation of a World Cup moment that the diminishing returns of straightforward nostalgia cannot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Semi-forgotten close shaves, disallowed goals and other coulda-woulda-shoulda turning points, many of which have been glossed over by sheer time, are brought back into the equation. I would use the word "narrative", but there is no artificially added narrative here, no knowing foreboding of whatever was to unfold. As Smyth and Murray point out in the preamble, </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"even a match report hurriedly filed on the final whistle is viewed through the filter of the result...nobody ever goes back to rewrite a live report."</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Nevertheless, this book faces a running battle against the insidious corruption of hindsight. The authors can't resist some dramatic irony as Hurst puts the icing on the 1966 cake ("I wonder what Wolstenholme's saying over on the BBC?")</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> and there's some occasional poetic licence applied - Gordon Banks's 1970 wonder save from Pelé is afforded around 300 words. 1962's infamous Battle of Santiago, meanwhile, is depicted as an almost slapstick, put-up-ya-dukes scene. Perhaps quite accurately:</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">41 min:</b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> But here come dark clouds! </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">WHAT A LEFT HOOK!!! </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You can get too pious about stuff like this, so let's just say that's the best left hook you'll ever see on a football pitch! Pow! Right in the kisser! Straight to the moon!</span></blockquote>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Fn6ptLhLVyo/U1FV1-knLeI/AAAAAAAABI8/-z217sPulOk/s1600/Waddle1990.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Fn6ptLhLVyo/U1FV1-knLeI/AAAAAAAABI8/-z217sPulOk/s1600/Waddle1990.gif" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>34 min: CHRIS WADDLE HITS THE BAR FROM 45 YARDS! </b>It wouldn't have counted, as the referee had blown for a foul by Platt a split-second earlier. That was reminiscent of Pelé in 1970 but this time it was a bloody </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Englishman </i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">doing it.</span></blockquote>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SLZzTmQiTK0/U1FWMqWIgZI/AAAAAAAABJE/cmrfGWCvHHE/s1600/Merson1998.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SLZzTmQiTK0/U1FWMqWIgZI/AAAAAAAABJE/cmrfGWCvHHE/s1600/Merson1998.gif" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">83 min: </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">With Anderton lining up a free-kick on the right wing, the camera shows Merson laughing. <i>How can you stand there guffawing at a time like this, man?! Don't you know what we're going through?</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The incredulous upper-case outbursts, shamelessly partisan asides</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> and the delightfully convoluted similes ("Fenwick nearly sent Maradona's kneecaps whirling like Catherine wheels towards Guadalajara!") are vital ingredients in what make the format so worthwhile. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Smyth and Murray are rightly proud of the reporting style that they helped to make so popular: "It's the most honest appreciation of a match you're ever going to get." </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In Murray's case, in a 2003 Cricket World Cup report, perhaps even </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2003/mar/14/cricketworldcup2003.overbyoverreports" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank"><b><i>too</i> honest</b></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One early symptom of World Cup fever is a craving for football nostalgia. Indulge it by <b><a href="http://youtu.be/-0xf3WuuVl4" target="_blank">firing up YouTube</a></b> and getting hold of a copy of the most original way to relive the most well-documented World Cup moments (and some that you may just have forgotten after all this time).</span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-87325404684413178062014-03-31T14:04:00.002+00:002014-03-31T14:04:35.460+00:00UEFA Nations League explained (sort of)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_B32j8kX_xA/Uzl1xLW9plI/AAAAAAAABG8/SDkKhL7nyRw/s1600/UEFA+Nations+League.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_B32j8kX_xA/Uzl1xLW9plI/AAAAAAAABG8/SDkKhL7nyRw/s1600/UEFA+Nations+League.png" height="564" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-49715984221953698882014-02-24T17:44:00.000+00:002014-02-27T09:19:36.024+00:00You Really Couldn't Script it: Football on Film<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why has cinema found football to be such a tricky customer? Football scenes in film and television are traditionally very awkward affairs, with the "defenders" tip-toeing nervously around the "attackers" as they advance, the goal finally coming via the sort of impractical flying volley you just never see on a real pitch. It's clearly very difficult to let someone score a script-dictated goal while pretending to try to stop them but, at the same time, trying not to look like you're pretending to try to stop them. Perhaps they teach it at RADA, who knows?</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Furthermore, filmmakers have the challenge of adding a fictional big-screen gloss to what is already an overwhelmingly camera-friendly and consistently dramatic spectacle in its own right. Real-life football already has its own "script" which often features players scoring against their old clubs, but which is occasionally torn up by giantkilling cup minnows who have refused to read it. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">With that in mind, some of the best football films ever made are narratives that require no fictional embellishment at all. FIFA's </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_official_FIFA_World_Cup_films" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">official World Cup films</a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, notably </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sR0iHqKpjwE" target="_blank"><i>Goal! (1966)</i></a></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> and </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZM4d3LCE_tU" target="_blank">Hero (1986)</a></i></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, have greater pathos and plot twists than anything created by scriptwriters. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Away from the pitch, the minefield of </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">clichés is such that anything other than caricature is hard to achieve - the players all drive flash cars, the managers are all dour disciplinarians and the fans are long-suffering sadcases with posters all over their walls.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But football's universal popularity (and therefore potential box-office appeal) is too great not be exploited. The genre of the football film has had its sublime highs and ridiculous lows, but has any movie ever quite managed to nail down the people's game? Here are some notable attempts:</span><br />
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</u></span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnW6GlFYY6U" target="_blank"><i>Escape to Victory</i> (1981)</a></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The improbability of its context notwithstanding, the climax of John Huston's classic arguably features the most <a href="http://angleofpostandbar.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/germany-v-allies-as-it-happens.html" target="_blank"><b>accurately-depicted passages of play</b></a> in the history of cinematic football. Michael Caine passes quite well for a veteran footballer alongside Bobby Moore, Mike Summerbee, Russell Osman and a cruelly dubbed-over John Wark, while Ossie Ardiles and </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Pelé (as the confusingly-cast Trinidadian striker Luis Fernandez) add some exoticism to the forward line of the Allied POWs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XzngkJGG1x8/UwuLYBd8isI/AAAAAAAABEk/cx3wkcJwYZQ/s1600/Pele-victory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XzngkJGG1x8/UwuLYBd8isI/AAAAAAAABEk/cx3wkcJwYZQ/s1600/Pele-victory.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Even Sylvester Stallone's erratic goalkeeping in the face of the dead-eyed German attack can't spoil a pulsating, propaganda-destroying 4-4 draw in Paris, secured thanks to a last-minute bicycle kick from a wounded </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Fernandez</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. There's still time for the Germans to miss a penalty (yes, yes) and, as the Wehrmacht's top brass sit humiliated in the stands, Caine's men make a sneaky escape amid a gleeful pitch invasion. <i>Victoire! Victoire!</i></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hddUtCY1ygU/UwuL-hZOzKI/AAAAAAAABEo/nXdVjLsGO3g/s1600/MPW-52293.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hddUtCY1ygU/UwuL-hZOzKI/AAAAAAAABEo/nXdVjLsGO3g/s1600/MPW-52293.jpg" height="200" width="131" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"><br />
</span></b></span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5OdpsgNoe8" target="_blank"><i>Hotshot</i> (1987)</a></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Fiery young soccer player Jimmy Kristidis, left out in the cold by the New York Rockers, seeks out the retired and disillusioned Brazilian star Santos (played by Pelé, clearly in high demand in the 1980s) to coach him back into the big time. He initially refuses but, after some sub-Karate Kid persuasion, performs a rather convenient U-turn. The climax is predictable - Jimmy's disapproving family are inevitably won round - but the astroturf action is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hwjj-AOe_c" target="_blank"><b>quite charmingly ridiculous</b></a>. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Two years after the demise of the North American Soccer League, and a year away from the United States winning the right to host the 1994 World Cup, it's tempting to curse the unfortunate timing of <i>Hotshot's </i>release, but it really is just bloody awful.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>Goal!</i> trilogy (2005-2009)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A FIFA-endorsed, rags-to-riches narrative, wrapped in a chaotic mess of</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> product placement and star-studded cameo appearances - in many ways, the <i>Goal!</i> trilogy is an inadvertently astute reflection of modern football. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In the first installment, </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JC5oaVR9QYA" target="_blank">Goal! The Dream Begins</a>, </i></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Santiago Munez (Kuno Becker) defies his father - and, it seems, UK work permit criteria - to seek his fortune with Newcastle United. There are some setbacks (jealous teammates, tabloid misrepresentation) but Santiago finally makes his dad proud and his free-kick against Liverpool at St James' Park, ably stunt-doubled by Laurent Robert, takes Newcastle into the Champions League. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCBJVbLHTjc" target="_blank">Goal II: Living the Dream</a></i></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, Santiago earns a transfer to Real Madrid, where his success makes him arrogant and selfish. Madrid reach the Champions League final, though, where Santiago climbs off the bench to help secure a 3-2 win over Arsenal (whose trophy drought even extends to this fictional universe). For all the <i>galacticos </i>on show, it's rather odd to hear Tony Gale describing the action. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">straight-to-DVD </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDKXsZ5WhPE" target="_blank">Goal III: Taking on the World</a></i></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> makes that step up to international level at the World Cup, but must make do without the big names of the first two films. The trilogy's decline is rubber-stamped with a brief, foul-mouthed appearance by Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley. If modern football does eventually succeed in eating itself, <i>Goal III</i> was the warning we failed to heed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxrrOxvVHF0" target="_blank"><i>When Saturday Comes</i> (1996)</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Celebrity Sheffield United fan Sean Bean is cast into his dream role as Jimmy Muir, a jack-the-lad Sunday league goal machine who loves his mum (but hates his abusive, alcoholic dad) and bags a trial with the Blades. United legend Tony Currie isn't sure about him, the club's captain (played, oddly, by ex-Sheffield Wednesday stalwart Mel Sterland) certainly doesn't rate him, but his girlfriend still believes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AIBWCDy3ors/UwuMy7s9y-I/AAAAAAAABE4/f5N2J3MPGB0/s1600/when-saturday-comes-1996--00.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AIBWCDy3ors/UwuMy7s9y-I/AAAAAAAABE4/f5N2J3MPGB0/s1600/when-saturday-comes-1996--00.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Naturally, Jimmy lets everybody down by going out on the booze and sleeping with a stripper, before redemption arrives in the form of a match-winning penalty. On his debut. In an FA Cup semi-final against Manchester United. The match takes place at the distinctly non-neutral Bramall Lane, illustrating the sort of factual dilemmas that football films can pose for their producers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMr2daGzvnk" target="_blank"><i>Fever Pitch</i> (1997)</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nick Hornby's adapted screenplay from his original novel</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> is, at the very least, one of the most underrated British romcoms of the 1990s and 2000s. It's also a</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> faithful account of the ultimately futile absorption that is football fandom, from the trivial (Subbuteo squabbles, lucky Arsenal boxer shorts) to the serious (the Hillsborough disaster).</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Arsenal's 1988/89 title-race exploits provide the undulating backdrop to the personal struggles of teacher Paul Ashworth, portrayed more than passably by Colin Firth. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">anachronistic</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> female characters, including Paul's girlfriend Sarah (Ruth Gemmell), are presented as eye-rolling football-haters, quipping wearily about "Wolves United" or "who Arsenal's best goalhanger is". Of course, by the end, Sarah finds herself inextricably drawn to TV sports reports on the match-fitness of David Rocastle.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Oh, shut up Pleat!" spits best mate Steve (Mark Strong), as the ITV co-commentator tries to cushion the blow of Arsenal's seemingly-imminent heroic failure in the championship decider against Liverpool. By this stage, the script writes itself. At Anfield, Steve McMahon holds up a single finger to his teammates to let them know they're a minute away from the league title. Seconds later, Lee Dixon's hopeful long ball is flicked on by Alan Smith to Michael Thomas (already widely-denounced as "rubbish" after missing an earlier chance) who charges through the Liverpool defence to complete the unlikely tale:</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97ax8T7RPMs" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>A Shot at Glory</i> (2000)</span></a></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Casting directors have a unique quandary for football-based films. Should they plump for an actor who can play a bit or a professional footballer who isn't made of wood? </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>A Shot at Glory</i> saw the unlikely big-screen partnership of European Golden Boot winner Ally McCoist (then winding down his real-life playing career at Kilmarnock) and Academy Award winner Robert Duvall. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">McCoist had been a team captain on <i>A Question of Sport</i> for several years by this point, and was therefore fully banter-hardened for the cameras. Duvall's</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> role as Kilnockie manager Gordon McLeod, meanwhile, required him to scrape together a Scottish accent using bits of old shortbread and bagpipes.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kilnockie embark on a heroic cup run - despite the meddling of American owner Michael Keaton, who wants them to relocate to Dublin - where they meet Rangers in the final. I won't spoil the ending.</span><br />
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</b></span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDreKioJMxc" target="_blank"><i>Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait </i>(2006)</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In their intimate study of the modern game's most graceful exponent, filmmakers Douglas Gordon and Philippe Parreno combined the narrow focus of Sky Sport's short-lived Player Cam gimmick and the art-installation pointlessness of </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Empire </i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(1964)</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, Andy Warhol's eight-hour unbroken shot of the Empire State Building. The Guardian's Philip French described it as "hypnotic, self-indulgent and lacking in context, rather like doting parents at a nativity play concentrating on their daughter's Mary or their son's Joseph to the exclusion of the other performers and the Gospel message."</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It wasn't the first attempt at this, though. Hellmuth Costard's 1970 film </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Fussball wie noch nie</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> (</span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Football as never before</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">) followed the equally mercurial George Best around the Old Trafford pitch in a match against Coventry City. Best duly indulges the voyeurism with a goal, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv6XizSMnL0&t=1h04m36s" target="_blank"><b>rounding the Coventry goalkeeper so casually</b></a> that you assume the referee's whistle had already blown for an offside. </span><br />
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Back at the </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bernabeu, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Zidane glides and trudges around, sporting that mildly irritated grimace, for almost 90 minutes. Then, he's sent off in the dying minutes after a scuffle with a Villarreal player (the only time Zidane seems to break sweat) and it's a conveniently prescient moment. Weeks after this film had premiered at Cannes, <i>Zizou </i>once again summoned his inner street kid and brought his career to an ignominious end with </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">that </i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">headbutt on the arch-villain Marco Materazzi. </span><br />
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</b></span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2idGkJkPhk" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">The Arsenal Stadium Mystery (1939)</span></a></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">One of the first films to base itself around the game of football. George Allison's Arsenal stage a friendly match against The Trojans (a fictional version of the famous touring amateurs Corinthian FC). The Trojans' star player, John Doyce, is established as having an affair with the fiancée of a teammate (imagine that these days, eh? Oh.) but his sudden death on the pitch, apparently having been poisoned, sparks a police investigation led by the eccentric Inspector Slade.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Another sinister plot to assassinate a player on the pitch featured in Danish political thriller <i>Skytten </i>(1977), in which the European Footballer of the Year, Allan Simonsen, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQuG2bmm1ok" target="_blank"><b>quite literally goes down like he's been shot by a sniper</b></a>. In their book <i>Who Invented the Stepover?</i>, <a href="http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=sQecAQAAQBAJ&pg=PT86&lpg=PT86&dq=%22the+marksman%22+simonsen&source=bl&ots=YtdAh6Y9oL&sig=lpH530i-FojniJjE1nLi7TCUcNE&hl=en&sa=X&ei=64kIU_SFL5Cw7AbZTw&ved=0CEEQ6AEwAw#v=onepage&q=%22the%20marksman%22%20simonsen&f=false" target="_blank"><b>Paul Simpson and Uli Hesse claim</b></a> that Simonsen agreed to quickly stage his own murder for this scene during <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwqRcdXLje8" target="_blank"><b>a World Cup qualifying defeat against Poland</b></a> in Copenhagen. A forensic comparison of the YouTube evidence can't quite prove this sensational claim either way but you really, really want it to be true.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Other films have tackled rather more niche aspects of football. Hooliganism's box-office appeal is easy to understand, which led in the mid-2000s to the swaggering pair of <i>The Football Factory</i> (Danny Dyer, Chelsea v Millwall, proper naughty) and <i>Green Street </i>(Elijah Wood, West 'Am, woeful cockney accents) but the altogether more sinister <i>I.D.</i> (1995) eclipses both. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">A curious turn-of-the-millennium American obsession with football-playing dogs led to </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soccer_Dog:_The_Movie" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank"><b>three</b></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><b><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soccer_Dog:_European_Cup" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">such</a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Air_Bud:_World_Pup" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">films</a></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> in the space of five years, but audiences were less enthused - they boast an average rating of 3.5 out of 10 on IMDB. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The latest foray into the genre-bending world of the football film is </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbtfVGdnU9k" target="_blank"><b><i>Goal of the Dead</i> (2014)</b></a><b>, </b>the forthcoming French production that's, yes indeed, a football zombie film. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The wait goes on for football's definitive cinematic moment.</span><br />
<br />FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-83292231137825970512014-01-23T01:41:00.000+00:002014-01-23T01:41:42.991+00:00In Memory of Legal Backpasses (1863-1993)<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There are some things from ancient football history that seem unthinkable now - playing <a href="http://www.victorianfootball.co.uk/the-evolution-of-the-crossbar/" target="_blank">without crossbars</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIYej5s6ef4#t=106" target="_blank">goalkeepers going bare-handed</a>, <a href="http://www.prodirectsoccer.com/lists/football-boots.aspx?listName=football-boots&clr=Beige_Blue_Yellow_White_Silver_Brown_Cream_Gold_Green_Grey_Navy_Multi_Orange_Pink_Purple_Red" target="_blank">predominantly black football boots</a> or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMmQk2lK_Ks&list=PL1F1314519F145395" target="_blank">decent commentators</a>.</span><br />
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Barely two decades ago, it was permissible for a goalkeeper to handle a backpass. "To handle", in football-speak, meant to pick the ball up, clutch it longingly to the chest while scouring the expanses of the pitch in front, bounce it a couple of times and, finally, to boot it emphatically as far into the opposing half as humanly possible. And none of these fancy, out-to-the-side, flat-trajectory, counter-attack-launching kicks that are so fashionable now.</span><br />
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For many years, this defensive panic-button was only rarely abused. In the 1966 World Cup Final the ball remained sportingly in open play, despite the knackered England and West Germany helping to mythologise the Wembley turf in a jelly-legged extra time that looked more like closing time. England led 3-2, thanks to the eyesight of a linesman whose nationality escapes me, but Moore, Charlton and the tireless Alan Ball still dragged themselves forward.</span><br />
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Gradually, though, the game evidently became more cynical. The anti-football nadir was reached at the start of the 1990s, as Jonathan Wilson writes:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i> 'A general rethink about the laws of the game had been promoted by the negativity of the 1990 World Cup and, in particular one passage of play in the group match between the Republic of Ireland and Egypt in which the Irish keeper Packie Bonner held the ball for almost six minutes without releasing it.'</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #f4cccc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"> Jonathan Wilson - The Outsider: A History of the Goalkeeper</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After <a href="http://timhi.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/denmark-1992" target="_blank">more timewasting shenanigans</a> during the climax of Euro '92, the International Football Association Board's new directive came into force. The game would change overnight, indisputably for the better, but there remains room for nostalgia for football's pre-watershed state. A</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> rather niche piece of nostalgia, in this case, as we fondly remember the backpass.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Graeme Souness to Chris Woods, 1987</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Before going on to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygVgxYa3mlo" target="_blank">hack his way through Steaua Bucharest</a> in the quarter-finals of the European Cup in 1987/88, Souness was steering his Rangers side to safety in a tense first-round clash with Dynamo Kiev. After going down 1-0 in front of 100,000 in Kiev, Rangers stormed back at Ibrox to take a two-goal lead. With the clock ticking down, and Dynamo pressing for an away goal, Souness took the sting out of the game in quite brazen fashion. The Rangers fans had already, in the commentator's words, celebrated a backpass "as if they had scored a goal" as their player-manager received the ball, mid-way into the Dynamo half with thirty seconds left:</span><br />
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The pass from Davie Kirkwood, the turn from Souness, the look up and the carefully lofted ball over the top - it looks like a promising attack, until you realise that its Chris Woods on the end of it. Absolutely shameless.</span><br />
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</b> <b><span style="color: #e69138; font-size: large;">Vinnie Jones to Dave Beasant, 1988</span></b></span><br />
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Seven seconds to sum up Bobby Gould's Wimbledon side. </span><br />
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1-0 down to Watford in the FA Cup quarter-final at Plough Lane, with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5WNqAJCxyU#t=180" target="_blank">future backpass expert</a> Brian Gayle having trudged down the tunnel for an early bath, Wimbledon's Vinnie Jones kicked off the second half in brutally simple fashion. All the way back to Dave Beasant, who wastes no time in punting the ball straight back where it came from. Ten-man Wimbledon came back to win 2-1, and the Crazy Gang would go on to shock the Culture Club in the final. It wasn't pretty, and neither was Brian Gayle.</span><br />
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</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138; font-size: large;">Steve McMahon to Bruce Grobbelaar, 1989</span></b><span style="background-color: white;"><br />
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Whichever way you slice this one - context, execution, arrogance, dramatic irony - it is the undeniable masterpiece of the backpassing genre. You know <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liverpool_0%E2%80%932_Arsenal_(26_May_1989)" target="_blank">the story behind it</a> - you could <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCUE0freB3k" target="_blank">barely script it</a>.<br /><br />Steve McMahon, having sternly gestured to his Liverpool teammates that only one minute separated them from the league title, decided to run down a few seconds of it. Alan Hansen takes a free-kick short to McMahon, who has no interest in the Arsenal half. </span><br />
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Keep watching the loop. Have you ever seen a player produce such a shimmy to get round an opponent in order to pass back <i>to his own goalkeeper</i>? The more you watch it, you start to convince yourself that McMahon is attacking the goal to our left, that he's slid Ian Rush through, one-on-one with John Lukic. In fact, Bruce Grobbelaar scoops it up, shares a gloriously pointless one-two with Gary Abblett, before punting it downfield anyway.</span><br />
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Exactly one minute later (<i>one minute</i>, Steve) Michael Thomas bundles his way through...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>Klaus Augenthaler to Bodo Illgner, 1990</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A grubby end to a filthy World Cup. Argentina, thanks in part to some pioneering work in the field of referee-haranguing, had already been reduced to ten men and conceded a late penalty, which the ambidextrous Andy Brehme had coolly despatched. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With Maradona's men beaten, and ITV's Ron Atkinson laying into <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybj5I44nBnE#t=662" target="_blank">"the worst World Cup winning side ever"</a>, West Germany found a rancid cherry for their gamesmanship cake. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 24px;"><br /></span>As the world's TV audience began to switch off, Brehme casually passed to Klaus Augenthaler on the left. Faced with nine weary, resigned and aggrieved Argentinians and a veritable ocean of Stadio Olimpico space, the adventurous Augenthaler hesitated and turned back. And curled a glorious 40-yard through ball to the grateful hands of Bodo Illgner, clearly anxious to secure the first ever World Cup Final clean sheet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"<i>To win a World Cup with a team like this!</i>", Atkinson sneered. FIFA took note, and started scribbling in their rule book.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Lee Dixon to David Seaman, 1991 </span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At the risk of getting all <a href="http://angleofpostandbar.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/the-rise-and-hilarious-fall-of-football.html" target="_blank">blooper compilation DVD</a> on you, this piece would not be complete without a backpass-turned-own-goal. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />The <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18QsjFUquD8" target="_blank">Peter Enckelmans</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi8nzTjJXOI" target="_blank">Paul Robinsons</a> of this post-1992 world deserve more sympathy. Before the lawmakers' intervention, there was a huge margin for error when attempting to return the ball to the sanctuary of your goalkeeper. To lob him immaculately from 25 yards, under no pressure whatsoever, requires something special. </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQbyOjIrAIY#t=50" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">Ronnie Whelan's half-volleyed effort at Old Trafford in 1990</a> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">set the unenviable benchmark, but Lee Dixon would raise the bar a year later.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 24px;"><iframe frameborder="0" height="336" scrolling="no" src="http://gfycat.com/iframe/IndolentBlandBellsnake" width="608"></iframe></span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Coventry's Kevin Gallacher celebrates as if it was his own piece of impudence, while Dixon's teammate Andy Linighan seems to struggle to comprehend how this could have happened. David Seaman, meanwhile, would go on to experience more undignified, high-profile backpedalling at the hands of Nayim and Ronaldinho.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Gillingham defence to Scott Barrett, 1993</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">With the new rule finally in place, goalkeepers were forced into a hurried evolution. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i> 'When the backpass law was introduced in 1992, it caused panic. Back then, any backpass drew an intake of breath, largely brought on by how uncomfortable most keepers looked with the ball trickling towards them and no option but to kick: would he slice it, would he whack it into the forward, would he miss it altogether?'</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #f4cccc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"> Jonathan Wilson - The Outsider: A History of the Goalkeeper</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Clearly also struggling to adapt were lowly Gillingham. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 24px;"><iframe frameborder="0" height="360" scrolling="no" src="http://gfycat.com/iframe/CavernousJointAmoeba" width="450"></iframe></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Having screwed a clearance from the first backpass, distressed goalkeeper Scott Barrett then had to deal with an inexplicable scissor-kicked follow-up effort from his centre-half, which he achieves quite heroically. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The backpass rule remains an oddly under-regarded moment in the game's history. It's responsible for sweeper-keepers, for the the near-extinction of the agricultural centre-half and, in some part, for the relentless speed and intensity of football today. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, when you next hear a crowd applauding a routine header back to their goalkeeper, it's an instinctive echo from a not-yet-forgotten time when this was </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAc8JooS3MY" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">far from a formality</a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. </span><br />
<br />FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-21071138136412148692014-01-03T02:10:00.002+00:002014-01-03T02:12:00.160+00:002013: A Year in Football Clichés<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">January</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;"><b><i>Transfer limbo</i></b><br /><i>noun</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">An unpleasant existence between being frozen out at your current club and the successful negotiation of a move away.</span></i><br /><br />The slamming-shut of the January transfer window is now prime-time (and, indeed, post-watershed) entertainment for football fans, and West Bromwich Albion's <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/feb/01/peter-odemwingie-west-brom-transfer" target="_blank"><b>Peter Odemwingie provided the highlight</b></a> that even seasoned cliché-spotters considered a novelty. The Nigerian forward turned up at Loftus Road, only to be denied entry because Queens Park Rangers hadn't struck a deal with Albion. Tail firmly between legs, Odemwingie returned to the Hawthorns to face a hefty fine and a bit-part role for the remainder of the season. He finally left the club in the summer, joining Cardiff City in rather lower-key circumstances.</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">February</b></div>
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<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Spit spat</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>noun</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Mandatory description for the act of (but particularly the subsequent fallout from) spitting at a fellow professional.</span></i><br /><br />Spitting reared its distinctly ugly head in February, as West Brom's Goran Popov saw red for launching his phlegm at Tottenham's Kyle Walker. Furious Albion manager Steve Clarke immediately listed all the people and organisations that Popov had let down, and the Macedonian's contrition was swift and sincere, but Kyle Walker failed to provide the customary confirmation of whether he would rather have been punched in the face than spat at.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">March</b><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b style="font-style: italic;">Minnow</b><br />ˈmɪnəʊ</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>noun<br />Hapless (and specifically international) whipping boys who have an assortment of relatively ordinary day jobs, once looked upon with patronising curiosity but now with increasing irritation by advocates for World Cup pre-qualifying.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the run-up to England's latest leg of the road to Brazil, it became clear that writing about San Marino was football journalism's equivalent of actually having to play San Marino - a procession through the motions (Steven Gerrard: "We don't look on it as an easy game"), while dusting off the Wikipedia page of Davide Gualtieri. Ultimately, the one challenge for the back pages was navigating the black hole of scoreline headlines - the eight-goal margin. There's FIVE STAR, HIT FOR SIX, SEVENTH HEAVEN and CLOUD NINE for all the other thrashings and capitulations, but we are yet to see any creative advances on GR-EIGHT.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">April</b></div>
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<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Lengthy</i></b><br />ˈlɛŋθi,ˈlɛŋkθi<br /><i>adj.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Curiously common alternative to "long", used exclusively to describe bans (or "spells on the sidelines")</span></i><br /><br />Luis Suarez <a href="https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=%22suarez%22+%22no+stranger+to+controversy%22" target="_blank"><b>caught up with an old friend</b></a> in April and committed not only the abhorrent act of biting Branislav Ivanovic but also the reprehensible opening of a subsequent floodgate of puns relating to fangs and champing at the bit. </span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">May</b><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Build-up</i></b><br /><i>noun</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><i style="text-align: center;">Ludicrously dragged-out pre-match coverage of the FA Cup Final, including crucial footage of the team buses arriving at Wembley.</i></i></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XajIFsBGy14/UsYY-EeN0YI/AAAAAAAABBc/hPAX1OT09iM/s1600/BJND6XUCEAAAToX.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XajIFsBGy14/UsYY-EeN0YI/AAAAAAAABBc/hPAX1OT09iM/s640/BJND6XUCEAAAToX.png" width="452" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">ESPN broadcast only three Cup Finals during their brief foray into UK football coverage, but are still responsible for around 9% of all pre-match build-up in the last 50 years. This year's marathon began with a chat to Wembley's head chef at 8am, and the FA Cup Final cliché sponge was well and truly squeezed dry by the time plucky Ben Watson had pluckily headed plucky Wigan into Wembley folklore eleven hours later.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">June</b><span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><i style="font-weight: bold;">Unveil</i><br />ʌnˈveɪl</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>verb</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">To provide physical proof of a new manager's recruitment by presenting him at a press conference, but not from underneath an actual veil.</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jose Mourinho returned to Chelsea and Roman Abramovich </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">to claim the prestigious title of The Worst-Kept Secret in Football and </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">face the inevitable retrospective "Special One" narrative. He was instantly rebranded as The Happy One, and now sees his moniker change on a weekly basis depending on his apparent mood.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7ez086Hlrc/UsX2hHwA42I/AAAAAAAABAw/NZbod0Bb4LM/s1600/jose.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="411" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7ez086Hlrc/UsX2hHwA42I/AAAAAAAABAw/NZbod0Bb4LM/s640/jose.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">José Mourinho's homecoming press conference, in pure words.</span></td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">July</b><span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><b><i>Spectre</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">ˈspɛktə<br /><i>noun</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">The haunting (albeit very much still-alive) presence of a powerful predecessor, which casts a shadow over its unfortunate victim.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;"><i><br /></i></span>It was then David Moyes's turn to face the press, as he attempted to fill the shoes of Sir Alex Ferguson at Manchester United. In other sartorial analogies, Moyes was continually boosted by the news that he was "cut from the same cloth" as Ferguson. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">August</b><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Protracted</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">prəˈtraktɪd</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>adj.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Tedious, yet gripping; slightly susceptible to impasses, snags, stumbling blocks, hijacks and dramatic U-turns.</span></i><br /><br />Transfer sagas begin with a hands-off warning and end with a nervous display of ball-juggling in front of a massed rank of camera lenses. In between, we must endure <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/sport/football-cliches/2013/sep/03/football-cliches-10-stages-protracted-transfer-saga" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">a tale of greed, posturing and bureaucracy</a> designed to fool us all as it meanders to its mutually-agreeable conclusion. In 2013, the protagonist was a wide-eyed Gareth Bale, who sat innocently at the centre of the maelstrom of transfer silly season:</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nr2Ffl93h_Y/UsX95ets0kI/AAAAAAAABBA/7oKA4YSsbTQ/s1600/Football+Transfer+Venn+Diagram+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="628" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nr2Ffl93h_Y/UsX95ets0kI/AAAAAAAABBA/7oKA4YSsbTQ/s640/Football+Transfer+Venn+Diagram+2.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">September</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">International level</span></i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">noun</span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The step up from playing against star-studded, well-drilled top flight domestic opponents to facing largely mediocre qualification-campaign nuisances whose options are limited by sheer geography.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Everyman football hero Rickie Lambert's ascension from Premier League surprise package to facing all-conquering Moldova in a World Cup qualifier brought into question the concept of "international level" and all that it supposedly entailed. A goal on his competitive debut suggested it's not so much a step up - more of a barn door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">October</b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;"><br /><b><i>Crisis</i></b><br />ˈkrʌɪsɪs</span></span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">noun</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">A deliberately low-threshold state of relative emergency reserved for Champions League qualification-chasing clubs who have lost several matches in quick succession. Must be made conspicuous by its absence when form improves.</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moyes's United side, already stung by a derby day mauling at the hands of Manchester City, went down 2-1 at Old Trafford to West Brom to become the Premier League's latest Crisis Club™</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. The obligatory crisis-what-crisis response came in the form of a 12-game unbeaten run, which was halted by back-to-back home defeats. This, in turn, was followed by a string of six straight victories, which was ended abruptly by another home reverse on New Year's Day. <br /><i><br />Crisis? What crisis? This crisis. What, that one? </i></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">November</b><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Goalkeepers' Union</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>noun</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The world's busiest fictional trade organisation, set up to ensure the overprotection of modern custodians and encourage amusing punditry exchanges. Motto: Ædifica tu ipse magnus (lit: make yourself big)</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />Stoke goalkeeper Asmir Begovic, bound by the code of the Goalkeepers' Union, had to conceal his glee after hoofing his way over opposite number Artur Boruc and into pub quiz machines of the future. Begovic continued his mandatory sheepishness right up to his studio appearance on <i>Match of the Day 2</i>, at which point he was allowed a wry smile - the only sort of smile permitted anywhere in football.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">December</b><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Thick and fast</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;"><i>adj.</i><br /><i>Scheduled in punishingly quick succession during the Christmas period for the amusement of fidgety, overfed British football supporters.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Festive football fixtures, including "Christmas crackers" and "Boxing Day belters", are a gloriously alliterative tradition. Own goals and suicidal backpasses that take place before the 25th may be described as "early Christmas presents", while the search continues for a referee that actually was on a manager's Christmas card list.<br /><br />Roll on 2014.</span></div>
FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-8474426549459959922013-12-24T13:34:00.002+00:002013-12-25T13:10:16.254+00:00Germany v Allies - as it happened!<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Liveblogging the best football match that never took place: Germany v Allies, August 15th, 1943</span></b></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">3.15pm: Preamble</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Greetings from the Stade Olympique de Colombes in Paris, venue for the 1938 World Cup final between Italy and Hungary, and host for this unprecedented clash between the German national team and an Allied XI. A sell-out crowd of 50,000 </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">is expected</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, many wearing suspiciously 1970s-looking tracksuits despite it being 1943.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If they weren't already facing a formidable task, the Allies' preparation for this game has been far from ideal. Tony Lewis, the Irish goalkeeper, remains sidelined with a broken arm sustained in a training camp incident, so untested American Robert Hatch has been drafted in for his senior debut after making quite an impression at the Allies training camp:</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hpesZm9WU3A/Urmdy8zvFcI/AAAAAAAAA9w/NXTruaeo64Y/s1600/trainingcamp.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hpesZm9WU3A/Urmdy8zvFcI/AAAAAAAAA9w/NXTruaeo64Y/s400/trainingcamp.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Player-manager John Colby, once of West Ham United and England, will also skipper his charges in Paris this afternoon. In addition to Lewis's injury, the Allies' selection problems have been compounded by a raft of Czech and Polish withdrawals. Colby, however, has dismissed suggestions that his patched-together side will settle for a point against the might of the star-studded Germans, who include in their starting line-up such talent as Baumann, Reinhardt, Albrecht and goalkeeper Schmidt. The hosts are under the stewardship of Rainer Muller, a former international centre-half who played against Colby at Wembley only five years ago.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;">Kick-off is at around 4:30pm-ish.</span></b></span><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;"><br />3:23pm</span></b><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="https://twitter.com/FootballCliches">@FootballCliches</a> This is like cup finals days used to be. Starting coverage early doors at the team hotel.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>— Bebbz (@bebbz) <a href="https://twitter.com/bebbz/statuses/415502765444849664">December 24, 2013</a></b></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">3:25pm</span></b><br />John Colby (West Ham United and England) in deep conversation with German Director of Football Major Karl von Steiner.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">3:34pm</span></b><br />Lengthy advert breaks are making this quite an easy task after all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">3:36pm</span></b><br />Despite having not yet made a senior appearance, American goalkeeper (but enlisted in the Canadian army) Robert Hatch is already agonising for a move away. His transfer request is being considered, officials say.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>3:44pm</b></span><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hatch slaps in a transfer request stating "You couldn't pay me to be in that team" with a swipe at boss Colby <a href="https://twitter.com/FootballCliches">@footballcliches</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">— Gary Clark (@GaryClark82) <a href="https://twitter.com/GaryClark82/statuses/415508143062646784">December 24, 2013</a></span></blockquote>
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">3:54pm</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The protracted Robert Hatch saga continues, as he is welcomed back into the Allied fold as their physio/conditioning coach. Training methods have reportedly included elaborate sit-up routines.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">3:57pm</span></b><br />Allied tactics leaked:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">4:10pm</span></b><br />No stranger to controversy, Hatch (the Joey Barton of World War II) is now embroiled in a fake passport scandal. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;"><b>Team news (from </b><a href="http://www.escapetovictory.spodrum.co.uk/index.php?page=team-sheet" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">this semi-official source</a><b>):</b></span><br /><br />With poor Tony Lewis ruled out with his broken arm, Hatch will start in goal for the Allies. Germany are unchanged (maybe).<br /><br /><b>GERMANY:</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /></b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">1. Schmidt</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">2. Kuntz</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">3. Reinhardt</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">4. Baumann (<b>C)</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">5. Kuntz</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">6. Kuntz</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">7. Becker </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">8. Kuntz</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">9. General Bronte</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">10. Strauss</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.15625px;">11. Albrecht</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br />
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<b style="background-color: black;">ALLIES:</b></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;">1. Robert Hatch (USA)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">2. Michael Fileu (Bel)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">3. John Colby (Eng) <b>(C)</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">4. Pieter Van Beck (Hol)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">5. Doug Clure (Eng) </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">6. Terry Brady (Eng)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">7. Arthur Hayes (Sco) </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">8. Carlos Rey (Mex) </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">9. Sid Harmor (Eng)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">10. Luis Fernandez (T&T) </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">11. Erik Borge (Den) </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;">subs</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">Paul Wolczek (Pol) </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">Gunnar Hilsson (Nor)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">4:47pm</span></b><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">Nice seat at the Stade Olympique de Colombes. The stadium is filling up quickly for this one-off </span><strike style="color: #cfe2f3;">propoganda exercise</strike><span style="color: #cfe2f3;"> showpiece.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e6Si1skP28A/Urm6ST4i0JI/AAAAAAAAA-g/UVAsLT70sXI/s1600/stadium1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="293" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e6Si1skP28A/Urm6ST4i0JI/AAAAAAAAA-g/UVAsLT70sXI/s400/stadium1.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;"><b>4:51pm</b></span><span style="color: #cfe2f3;"><br />The teams emerge, led out by the in-no-way-swayable match officials:</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dzcy3fqo07w/Urm7g-Q306I/AAAAAAAAA-o/lYJNTZ8lY1Y/s1600/refereesemerge.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="308" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dzcy3fqo07w/Urm7g-Q306I/AAAAAAAAA-o/lYJNTZ8lY1Y/s640/refereesemerge.png" width="640" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">4:54pm</span></b><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">Mercifully, no Andy Townsend in the gantry, because he hasn't been born yet.</span></span><br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a_lSlQWQU54/Urm8D2JG6sI/AAAAAAAAA-w/rDNevr4nvmU/s1600/commentator.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="312" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a_lSlQWQU54/Urm8D2JG6sI/AAAAAAAAA-w/rDNevr4nvmU/s640/commentator.png" width="640" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">4:55pm</span></b><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">All smiles at the coin toss:</span></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">GOAL! Germany 1-0 Allies (Albrecht, 14 min)</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Awful start. Albrecht nods past a stranded Hatch.</span><br />
<span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>GOAL! Germany 2-0 Allies (Strauss, 25 min)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">It goes from bad to worse, as Strauss fires a shot under the despairing Hatch.</span></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">28 mins</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Pieter van Beck goes off injured - looks serious. Hilsson on to replace him.</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">GOAL! Germany 3-0 Allies (Baumann, pen 31 min)</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Baumann slots calmly past Hatch, who barely moved before it hit the net behind him. This isn't quite going to plan, is it?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">32 mins</span></b></span><span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />The Allies are struggling to cope with the Germans' physical approach and dazzling wing play. Hatch already looks out of his depth in goal and captain Colby needs to find a way of getting the mercurial talents of Rey and Fernandez into the game. Fernandez, in particular, is already a target for roughhouse treatment. The Allies need a goal, and they need it soon. One more for the hosts and it's game, set and match.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">GOAL!</span></b></span><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b> Germany 4-0 Allies (Bronte, 41 min)</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">Well, this is dreadful. Just as the Allies had started to string some passes together through Rey and co, Bronte latches onto a spill from Hatch (who else) and the Germans couldn't be homer and drier.</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;"><br />GOAL! Germany 4-1 Allies (Brady, 44 min)</span></b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">HELLO. With Fernandez off injured with what looks like a bad shoulder injury, and Hatch bleeding from a head wound, the Allies suddenly rally. Tackles fly in on the German midfield, and the ball finds its way to Terry Brady at the back post. He taps home. Scant consolation?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">HALF TIME: Germany 4-1 Allies</span></b><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">Fernandez looks like his afternoon is over. The Allies limp back to the dressing room to regroup. Brady's goal has given them something to cling on to, but the Germans' superior fitness will surely tell in the second period.</span></span><br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mF2weLWxif0/Urm__WVRuaI/AAAAAAAAA_E/IZZQFzFFedg/s1600/injuredpele.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="312" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mF2weLWxif0/Urm__WVRuaI/AAAAAAAAA_E/IZZQFzFFedg/s640/injuredpele.png" width="640" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">46 min</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">And we're off again! But not before a spot of mind games from the Allies, who kept the Germans waiting for a few minutes before the second half could begin. Not sure what happened there.</span></span><br />
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://twitter.com/FootballCliches">@FootballCliches</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23ChurchillOUT&src=hash">#ChurchillOUT</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">— Andy (@Der_Wanderfalke) <a href="https://twitter.com/Der_Wanderfalke/statuses/415531462541455360">December 24, 2013</a></span></blockquote>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">GOAL! Germany 4-2 Allies (Rey, 52 min)</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This is a completely different Allies to the one we saw in the first half. Rey slaloms his way through, past Schmidt, and slides it home. Game on?</span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;"><br />GOAL! Germany 4-3 Allies (Wolczek, 76 min)</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Amazing! Wolczek pounces on a loose ball and it's suddenly anyone's game!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: #e69138;">80 mins:</span></b><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">Champagne stuff</span></span><br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4SXenXjHwk4/UrnBbo349xI/AAAAAAAAA_Q/KjtGxoKDJGY/s1600/ardileslambreta.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="305" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4SXenXjHwk4/UrnBbo349xI/AAAAAAAAA_Q/KjtGxoKDJGY/s640/ardileslambreta.png" width="640" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>84 min: GOAL DISALLOWED! </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Clure taps home for a dramatic equaliser....but it's ruled out! Chaotic scenes.</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">GOAL! Germany 4-4 Allies (Fernandez, 88 min)</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It was literally in the script. Fernandez, nearly crippled with injury, slides the ball out to the right to find Brady. The cross is a little behind the Trinidadian, but he produced an unbelievable bicycle kick to hammer it past Schmidt. RIDICULOUS.</span><span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;">90 min: PENALTY! SAVED!</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">This is absolutely absurd. With seconds left, Rey upends Baumann in the area. A stupid challenge, and the referee had no hesitation.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">Baumann, who had hammered a penalty past Hatch with ease in the first half, stepped up to take. Hatch eyeballed him, and the referee had to step in and send him to his line. The psyching-out clearly worked because Baumann's weak kick was at the perfect height for the American IN HIS FIRST EVER FOOTBALL GAME, and the clutched it to his chest. Baumann is on his knees!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://twitter.com/FootballCliches">@FootballCliches</a> Some people are on the pitch! They think the war's over!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">— Huw Davies (@thehuwdavies) <a href="https://twitter.com/thehuwdavies/statuses/415522094395695104">December 24, 2013</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #e69138;"><b>Full-time - Germany 4-4 Allies</b></span><br /><br /><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">The crowd are on the pitch, and it's not a minority of idiots either. They've swamped the heroic Allied players, who are nowhere to be seen. </span></span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KQZ2zTIY01w/UrnDg_lHsSI/AAAAAAAAA_c/b72g891lOt4/s1600/pitchinvasion.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="304" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KQZ2zTIY01w/UrnDg_lHsSI/AAAAAAAAA_c/b72g891lOt4/s640/pitchinvasion.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<b style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></b><span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">They'll make a film out of this.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="https://twitter.com/FootballCliches">@FootballCliches</a> Don't go yet. Film4+1.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>— Graham (@GrahamPClare) <a href="https://twitter.com/GrahamPClare/statuses/415536360322510848">December 24, 2013</a></b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So there we have it. A ramshackle bunch of POWs have out-Radforded Ronnie Radford, 30 years before he even got the chance, against a German side who were playing at the World Cup finals only five years earlier. The scoreline reads 4-4, and a share of the spoils, and this tells either the whole story or none of it at all. <i>Four goals down</i> after 41 minutes, and being kicked from pillar to Parisian post by their adequately-nourished opponents, the Allies staged a miraculous second-half revival, led by the English lions of Terry Brady and captain John Colby, and aided by the the magic of Mexico's* Carlos Rey and Trinidadian genius Luis Fernandez.<br /><br />Fernandez, clearly hampered by a shoulder injury that had temporarily forced him to the sidelines, produced the game's defining moment when he flung himself at Brady's cross in the 88th minute to spectacularly hammer a bicycle kick past Schmidt in the German goal and send the </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Stade Olympique de Colombes into raptures. If that wasn't enough drama, rookie goalkeeper Robert Hatch atoned for a catalogue of positional errors by saving a last-gasp penalty from the normally cucumber-cool, talismanic German skipper Baumann.<br /><br />It was a draw that felt every bit like a victory for Colby and his spirited side, who looked down and out at half-time, with Dutch veteran Pieter van Beck already stretchered off after a brutal tackle. German football supremo Major Karl von Steiner will likely consider the future of manager Rainer Muller after this humiliation, while the likes of Hatch, Rey, Scottish midfielder Arthur Hayes and Fernandez's tireless foil Sid Harmor have surely put themselves in the post-war shop window.<br /><br /><i>Victoire! Victoire!</i></span></div>
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FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-91727972915211760952013-12-09T20:07:00.002+00:002014-02-18T14:57:08.375+00:00The Rise and Hilarious Fall of the Football Blooper DVD <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The comedy football video represents (apart from </span><a href="https://twitter.com/FootballFunnys" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">@FootballFunnys</a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">) the game's lowest common denominator. The hipster antithesis. This is "footy".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the age of gifs, memes, Sulia links and internet streaming, the comedy football DVD is leading a charmed existence. In the 1990s, it was enough of a challenge to find footage that hadn't already been guffawed over by John Parrott and Ally McCoist on <i>Question of Sport</i>. Now these beleaguered producers must unearth footage that hasn't already been guffawed over by @BBCSporf, Paddy Power, <i>Soccer AM </i>and </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Matt Dawson and Phil Tufnell on </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Question of Sport. </i>As a rule </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">of thumb: if a bloopers DVD includes <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP9DJYq54YI" target="_blank">Peter Devine's penalty</a>, it's probably not going to be a groundbreaking hour of your life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the other hand, this sordid corner of the market has been boosted by the fact that football is now apparently more hilarious than ever. Top-flight supporters are now hooked on high-grade schadenfreude, as their rivals' expensive flops struggle in the high-pressure bundle for Champions League places. The unstoppable rise of statistical analysis has spawned <a href="https://twitter.com/FootballFunnys/status/409648019391647744/photo/1" target="_blank">jokes actually involving statistical analysis</a>, with endless variables. The cult footballer used to be either a rubbish but well-meaning midfielder (John Jensen, Phil Stamp) or a supremely talented but little-known maverick (Robin Friday). Now, to be cult means to be a slightly unconventional player, of any ability, upon whom a godawful parallel universe of hilarity can be constructed - see Zlatan "Zlatan" Ibrahimovic, Mario Balotelli or Nicklas Bendtner for examples.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If we are to insist on football being a source of unsophisticated humour (rather than sheer joy, frustration, anger, relief, escapism or whatever it's supposed to be for), then we must return to the blooper, the gaff, the blunder, the ricket and the 'mare.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Much like football itself, the blooper video's Big Bang came in 1992. <b>Danny Baker's Own Goals and Gaffs </b>(above) is, to be frank, the genre's immediate zenith after which the returns have been diminishing ever since. Baker's habit of going completely silent, and letting the bewildering goalkeeping errors speak for themselves, is a far cry from the sound effects and pop-rock soundtracks of later, paler imitations. The original <i>OGandG</i> revels in its pre-multimedia age - Gary Crosby's artful dodging at the expense of a furious Andy Dibble is already two years old by this point - breathing space that YouTube would never allow nowadays.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After a digression of Danny Baker's <b>Right Hammerings (1993)</b>, a 1994 sequel - <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joogju7PO90" target="_blank">Own Goals and Gaffs 2</a></b> since you ask - sticks to the same formula. Still the archive 60s and 70s footage keeps coming and, still, the lack of competition kept it fresh. 1995's rather more turgid <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLA02B1EE587733FAF" target="_blank">Fabulous World of Freak Football</a></b> signalled the end of Baker's mid-90s stranglehold on the bloopers video market. Segments shot on location in local recreation grounds were a foreboding nod to low-budget productions for the next two decades. Baker, like an over-the-hill Mark Spitz trying to qualify for the 1992 Olympics or the straight-t0-TV <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2308733/" target="_blank">Home Alone 5</a>, just couldn't resist one more flog of a dead horse, resulting in 2009's chaotic <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqs7IVJpZTY" target="_blank">Glorious Return of Own Goals and Gaffs</a></b>.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b><b><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nick-Hancock-Football-Nightmares-Doctor/dp/B000050YIN" target="_blank">Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares</a> </b>(1996 - eventually lumped together in 2000, in an irresistible DVD deal, with <b>Nick Hancock's Football Hell</b> and <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwTWzLSms9M" target="_blank">Nick Hancock: Football Doctor</a></b>) was notable for footage of Linsey Dawn McKenzie, wearing only a thong and high-heels, strutting across a non-league football pitch to kiss Jarvis Cocker. The football blooper had gone all certificate 12. Oh, and there's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQbBTPcIDbs" target="_blank">Noah Hickey</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Into the new millennium we went, and Rory McGrath was dragged in to replace Baker as the larger-than-life-hairy-funnyman figure for </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Own-Goals-And-Gaffs-Premiership/dp/B00007DWNG" target="_blank">Own Goals and Gaffs - The Premiership (2002)</a> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">and</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/More-Own-Goals-Gaffs-DVD/dp/B0000DG5MO/ref=pd_sim_d_h__33" target="_blank">More Own Goals and Gaffs (2003)</a></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The series' confusing quasi-sequel of </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/mpd/permalink/m2T9KL6Z0773CV" target="_blank">Johnny Vaughan's Own Goals and Gaffs III (2009)</a> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">marks the point at which the whole thing was finally put out of its misery.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The floodgates were now creaking open and, as the number of blooper DVDs increased, a clear formula for their presentation emerged. The low-budget covers predominately feature the semi-famous presenter (often holding a ball, and occasionally also pointing to it) standing in front of a computer-rendered goalnet. To avoid product placement, there's a heavy reliance on the classic (but now obsolete) hexagonal ball design. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Older VHS efforts would boast on their cover about how many minutes of action they contained. In the DVD era, this would graduate to vague claims about being the "ultimate" or "top" collection of football mishaps. <i>More Own Goals and Gaffs, </i>for example, claims to feature <i>"NON-STOP FOOTBALLING INSANITY"</i>, which is not so much a promotional tag-line as a collection of thrown-together words.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Production companies started looking beyond jobbing panel-show comedians and tested the ex-player waters. A perma-chuckling David Seaman fronted the quickfire brace of </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/David-Seaman-Presents-Keeping-Nightmares/dp/B0000AZVFI/ref=pd_sim_d_h__23" target="_blank">Goalkeeping Nightmares (2003)</a></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> and </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/David-Seaman-Jeepers-Keepers-DVD/dp/B0002W11I6/ref=pd_sim_d_h__7" target="_blank">Jeepers Keepers (2004)</a>, </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">which both capitalise on the well-worn caricature of the lonesome goalkeeping fall-guy. Responsibly, though, the latter effort is also punctuated with genuine coaching tips for budding custodians. David James would tread the same path a few years later with the existential thriller </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/David-Presents-Goalkeeper-Football-Gaffes/dp/B002KSA4C4/ref=pd_cp_d_h__2" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Who Would Be A Goalkeeper? (2009)</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Unintelligible Radio 1 DJs Mark and Lard then <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mark-Lard-Football-Nightmares-DVD/dp/B0002W1AA0" target="_blank"><b>took on the Football Nightmares franchise</b></a> from Hancock, who has barely been heard of since. Meanwhile, a</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> casually-dressed, pre-hairplugs James Nesbitt rode the wave of his <i>Cold Feet</i> fame by presenting </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eat-Goal-DVD-James-Nesbitt/dp/B00061RZVU" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Eat My Goal (2004)</a>, which sold itself with the indisputable reasoning of <i>"Eat My Goal...because football can make utter fools out of anyone."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In 2005,<b style="font-style: italic;"> </b><b>Chris Kamara Presents:</b> <b style="font-style: italic;">UNBELIEVABLE! </b>attempted to rely on a single season's-worth of inanity, but perhaps history may one day adjudge that</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> 2004/05 was one of the most unhinged Premier League campaigns of all. Nonetheless, the slim pickings are padded out with cameos from "Kammy's" Sky Sports cronies Alan McInally and Rob McCaffrey, and the viewer suddenly starts to feel a bit left out of the in-jokes. Actually, this DVD is a complete figment of my imagination, but it's a measure of the uniform ridiculousness of the genre that you can barely pick it out among the dross that actually made it to market.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If a panel-show comedian or recently retired player aren't available, Plan C is to rope in a celebrity who sort-of likes football. The first heinous crime of</span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Gordon-Ramsays-Football-Hell-DVD/dp/B000BD7NKG/ref=pd_sim_d_h__26" target="_blank">Gordon Ramsay's Football Hell (2005)</a> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">is that the cover art appears to show him flambéing an Adidas Tango on a bed of rocket leaves. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As is always the case when trying to shoehorn a non-footballer into a football context, some clumsy comparisons are required - </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Gordon proves he's just as much of an expert on the pitch as he is in the kitchen. He's also just about as intolerant of mistakes, which makes watching this carnival of the terminally stupid even funnier."</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Amazon customer Alastair Murdoch, however, is unamused: <i>"This was bought for my son by his brother and it is okay, however if you want an exciting football video, this is not for you."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The most scathing Amazon reviews are saved for the decidedly no-frills <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Football-Follies-DVD/dp/B000639X40" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Football Follies (2005)</a><b>, </b>which just about scrapes into the top 300,000 bestsellers due in no small part to its bargain price of £15.49 (with free delivery)</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. "<i>Unlike the Ronseal advert,</i>" one customer laments, "<i>this dvd has probably the most misleading title ever released. If there is an option to purchase and watch this or insert hot needles under your finger nails, the needles would give you a more enjoyable experience.</i>" Ouch.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Moving on, and another example of some if-it's-broke-fuck-it-just-do-it-again marketing strategy. Ian Wright, whose post-retirement media career appears to be going in slow motion, fronted </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ian-Wright-Shouldnt-Happen-Footballer/dp/B000IZJ47M/ref=pd_bxgy_d_h__img_y" target="_blank">It Shouldn't Happen to a Footballer</a></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> in 2006 and, a year later, </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ian-Wright-Really-Shouldnt-Footballer/dp/B000TP4FUM/ref=pd_sim_d_h__5" target="_blank">It Really Shouldn't Happen to a Footballer</a></span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. A third edition,<b> No Seriously, This Really Oughtn't Happen to a Footballer </b>was presumably shelved.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Next to ham-fistedly try and marry footballing clumsiness with mental illness was </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Soccer-Shockers-DVD/dp/B000IAZ2L4" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Bradley Walsh's Soccer Shockers (2006)</a>, which promises </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"the ultimate collection of football insanity." <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK3VRjWeaoo" target="_blank">And look!</a> Fans dressed as Elvis! Mascots waving at the camera! Referees getting in the way! </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.webmonkey.org.uk/dvd.php?dvd=3475948" target="_blank">Gary Lineker's Action Replay (2007)</a> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">took a more measured approach, and ends up being one of the most bland productions of the lot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b>2007's lowlight was surely this: </span><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Paddy-McGuinness-All-Star-Balls/dp/B000VU0KLI/ref=pd_sim_d_h__4" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank"><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Paddy McGuinness All Star Balls-Ups</b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(2007)</b></a> - <i>"<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">probably the best footy bloopers in the world!"</span></i>. N<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ote the lack of the possessive apostrophe on the surname, which I like to think was McGuinness belatedly trying to distance himself from the finished product. Viewers are not let down on the "All Star" side of things, though - Graham Taylor, John Aldridge, Alan McInally and a climaxing Paul Merson<b> </b>ably assist McGuinness in padding out the DVD with bawdy sketches, in between footage of little-known European goalkeepers conceding rib-ticklingly unorthodox goals:</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lovejoy-Redknapps-Best-Football-DVD/dp/B000X14W5K/ref=pd_sim_d_h__23" target="_blank">Lovejoy and Redknapp's Best of Football (2007)</a> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">earns a mention in passing</span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">here for both its laughably vague title and the inevitability that it contains an unhealthy dollop of banter. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The football blooper landscape would seem empty without one of its most enduring clown princes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">2008 saw more non-footballers muscling in on the lucrative Christmas stocking market. Ubercockney <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ray-Winstones-Football-Blinders-Blunders/dp/B001CMV1JO/ref=pd_sim_d_h__9" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Ray Winstone's Football Blinders and Blunders (2008)</a><b> </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">admirably manages to find hitherto untrademarked wordsin its title to describe its <a href="http://www.play.com/DVD/DVD/-/2607/1870/-/6059453/Ray-Winstone-Football-Blinders-And-Blunders/Product.html#SpecialFeatures" target="_blank">arse-over-elbow football content</a>. </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Phil-Daniels-Football-Matchday-Madness/dp/B001E6Q0TY/ref=pd_sim_d_h__1" target="_blank">Phil Daniels' Football Match Day Madness (2008)</a> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">is yet another bloopers-by-numbers Christmas compilation of action <i>"from the world's favourite game, featuring the world's favourite stars." </i></span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ricky-Hattons-Hotshots-DVD-Hatton/dp/B001DZA2LI" target="_blank">Ricky Hatton's Hotshots (2008)</a> </b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">sees the weight-gaining boxer <a href="http://www.webmonkey.org.uk/dvd.php?dvd=6073061" target="_blank">go twelve rounds with the autocue</a>, backed by a soundtrack that is dreadful even by the subterranean standards of the comedy DVD genre.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It's hard to establish the alignment between irony and Danny Dyer's career path, so you can't be sure exactly how seriously he takes himself at the helm of </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Danny-Dyers-Football-Foul-Ups-DVD/dp/B002IEVLFO" target="_blank">Danny Dyer's Football Foul-Ups (2009)</a>. </b>It currently retails on Amazon at 88p, but purchasers may yet feel short-changed when they see that the good stuff was clearly kept back for </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Danny-Dyers-Funniest-Football-Foul-Ups/dp/B0042ADW68/ref=pd_cp_d_h__0" target="_blank">Danny Dyer's Funniest Football Foul-Ups (2010)</a>. </b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Speaking of actors inextricably tied for eternity to a single character, 2010 brought us <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ricky-Tomlinson-Football-Arse-DVD/dp/B000UUK7GM/ref=pd_bxgy_d_h__img_z" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Ricky Tomlinson: Football My Arse!</a><b> </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This claims to be "the funniest football DVD you'll ever see", a groundbreaking cover-mounted boast that extends itself to both the past <b>and </b>future.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Robbie-Savage-Football-Howlers-DVD/dp/B005KJJIWC/ref=pd_bxgy_d_h__img_y" target="_blank">Robbie Savage: Football Howlers (2011)</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In <i>When Saturday Comes No.322, </i>Cameron Carter rips apart this effort from the (oh god, I'm going to have to say it) outspoken BBC pundit: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n456W-CXVJc" target="_blank">"Savage does not so much deliver lines as survive them"</a>. A 10-second trailer is all a potential customer should require in order to make an informed choice here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Olly-Murs-Deadly-Sins-Football/dp/B005O05IDU/ref=pd_sim_d_h__11" target="_blank">Olly Murs: 7 Deadly Sins of Football (2011)</a> </b>features arguably the lowest-budget artwork of all. A stripy goal, two misshapen footballs and a gurning Murs is all we get. Press play, and it's even more disappointing than it originally threatens:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><iframe frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.dailymotion.com/embed/video/xn295k" width="480"></iframe><br /><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xn295k_olly-murs-seven-deadly-sins-of-football-2011-001-www-pisothshow-com_sport" target="_blank">Olly.Murs.Seven.Deadly.Sins.Of.Football...</a> <i>by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/Va-Pisoth" target="_blank">Va-Pisoth</a></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Finally, one of the final death knells for the football blooper DVD. Skin-crawlingly tacky TV celebrity? Check. Microsoft Paint artwork? Check. Vague superlatives about the "greatest moments from the beautiful game"? Check. <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mark-Wright-Football-Saints-Sinners/dp/B009POZN1S/ref=pd_sim_d_h__33" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Mark Wright's Football Saints and Sinners (2012)</a><b> </b>epitomises a once-flourishing genre of light sporting entertainment that is patently no longer trying. Perhaps football just isn't funny after all.</span><br />
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FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-10557000818268112342013-12-05T02:26:00.000+00:002013-12-06T12:21:18.328+00:00The Perfect World Cup<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In Bahia on Friday, the draw for Brazil 2014 represents a crucial stage in the incubation period of World Cup fever. For the next six months, symptoms may include fractured metatarsals, </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">a fixation with Brazilian hotel facilities and cravings for football nostalgia. Much like Second Season Syndrome, there is no known cure, but it is treatable.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The 19 previous tournaments have each provided their own iconic moments, images and (possibly apocryphal) tales. Looking back over the competition's history - and with logistical and ethical fears surrounding the 2014, 2018 and 2022 editions - just what would a perfect World Cup be like?</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MGnnMPB8yW4/Up_eqJUQkTI/AAAAAAAAA7E/tcimO75xaD8/s1600/Perfect+World+Cup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="448" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MGnnMPB8yW4/Up_eqJUQkTI/AAAAAAAAA7E/tcimO75xaD8/s640/Perfect+World+Cup.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>Format: 1998-present</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The current 32-team, eight-group format arguably works better than anything before it, especially for those who enjoy the glorious televisual clutter of the group stages. The final-less tournament of 1950, despite its undeniably dramatic decider at the Maracana, would never be countenanced today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Inevitably, though, some self-serving tinkering is afoot. Uefa president Michel Platini, looking ahead to the next Fifa presidental election in 2015, <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2013/oct/30/michel-platini-40-team-world-cup-uefa" target="_blank"><b>has proposed a 40-strong competition in 2018</b></a>. An extra 32 group games, and the vast amount of dead rubber they would create, would test the resolve of even the most ardent group-stage marathon enthusiast.</span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mSzIoYLByG8/UmeM7oplcRI/AAAAAAAAA1w/N6jlvDNdlkk/s1600/Italia_90_mascot.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mSzIoYLByG8/UmeM7oplcRI/AAAAAAAAA1w/N6jlvDNdlkk/s200/Italia_90_mascot.png" width="200" /></a><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>Mascot: <i>Ciao</i>, 1990</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The unveiling of an official mascot is traditionally one of the earliest glimpses of a forthcoming World Cup. In the years leading up to Italia '90, some creative soul provided - in the three-dimensional form of <i>Ciao - </i>a welcome deviation from <a href="http://idleidol.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/worldcupmascots4.jpg"><b>chubby children in giant hats or anthropomorphic animals, fruit and vegetables</b></a>. Sadly, next year's tournament organisers have reverted to the ever-marketable formula and given the world a cheerful armadillo called Fuleco. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>Stadiums - Germany, 2006</b></span><br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-03WivvrM81k/UpHbrLr-CaI/AAAAAAAAA6E/boLC-5RqTkc/s1600/spider.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-03WivvrM81k/UpHbrLr-CaI/AAAAAAAAA6E/boLC-5RqTkc/s200/spider.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Established in the 21st century as the low-cost template for how to cater for football fans, the German model (as we must apparently refer to it) lent itself perfectly to staging football's flagship event in 2006. No Fifa tournament will ever boast budget ticket prices, of course, but Germany's 12 impeccable venues oozed class, without a missed deadline or white elephant in sight. The strength of the array of venues was in such depth that the ic0nic Olympiastadion in Munich, host of the 1974 final, saw no match action. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Honourable mentions are certainly due elsewhere. Mexico City's Estadio Azteca witnessed several veritable World Cup classics in 1970 and, despite apparently being plagued by a giant spider hovering over the centre circle, provided a dramatic centrepiece second time around in 1986. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>Group of Death - Group C, 1982</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A prerequisite for any World Cup. The original phrase <i>grupo de la muerte</i> was first coined by Mexican journalists in 1970 as favourites Brazil and holders England were drawn against Romania and Czechoslovakia in the first round. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />The deathliest group of all, though? In 1982, the second round pitted together holders Argentina, free-scoring favourites Brazil and eventual winners Italy, with only the winners progressing. A three-team group of death <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Group_of_death#Debates_and_definitions" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">may not satisfy the criteria of the purists</a>, but this was an unprecedented clash of the titans. In the end, a Paolo Rossi-inspired Italy edged out the Brazilians, while Argentina crumbled. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Friday's draw has the potential to concoct the most potent <i>grupo de la muerte</i> for over 40 years. The labyrinthine draw procedure could, for example, place England alongside hosts Brazil, the USA and either Italy or the Netherlands. Agreeing on a tournament's Group of Death is as important as deciding on its dark horses; this time, it is Belgium's exciting crop of yearlings that are looking to bolt before the stable door is shut.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>TV coverage - BBC, 1986 and 1990</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M-rECHcNzqg/Ul7Tnb3yF_I/AAAAAAAAA0E/V_SUxF5fTxM/s1600/italia90-3.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="145" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M-rECHcNzqg/Ul7Tnb3yF_I/AAAAAAAAA0E/V_SUxF5fTxM/s200/italia90-3.png" style="cursor: move;" width="200" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Coverage of major tournaments has never been slicker and more comprehensive but, in the YouTube age, there is no longer the same exotic sense of detachment and fear of the unknown - 2014's World Cup stars are already well-established. As the next Roger Milla prepares an impromptu arrival on the global stage, he may find the shop window rather cluttered when he gets there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />From the well-catered modern know-it-alls, we must look back to a more innocent age of World Cup broadcasting. Nearly 24 years on, the in-game Italia '90 graphics remain a classic of their rather niche genre. Those little dots of doom running down the side of the screen are as vivid a memory as Paul Gascoigne's tear-jerking yellow card, Gary Lineker's rifled equaliser or Chris Waddle approaching the penalty spot with the look of a condemned man. </span><br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j4B0nty_iu8/Ul6sQEUTWAI/AAAAAAAAAzY/iVDO1fSZSbc/s1600/italia90.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j4B0nty_iu8/Ul6sQEUTWAI/AAAAAAAAAzY/iVDO1fSZSbc/s200/italia90.png" width="200" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The World Cups of 1986 and 1990 witnessed the BBC's commentary titans at the peak of their contrasting powers. Four years before a still-containable John Motson had conveyed perfectly the drama of Turin (without resorting to the crockery-themed nonsense of 2002), Barry Davies was at his <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgXbz8F_nLw&feature=share&list=PL1F1314519F145395">schoolmasterly best in Mexico</a> as England stuttered through the group stage:</span><br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2PmxGrt30T4/UmarLQSho8I/AAAAAAAAA1g/rD_CzQsS0nw/s1600/word.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="141" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2PmxGrt30T4/UmarLQSho8I/AAAAAAAAA1g/rD_CzQsS0nw/s200/word.png" width="200" /></span></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"<i>Agh - </i>mistake by Fenwick! And again it's a three-against-two break...Ohhh, what an important foot in by Terry Butcher! But England just <i><b>cannot </b></i>afford to make <i><b>crass </b></i>errors like that! We've got away with it twice; we cannot tempt fate further."</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Alongside Davies in the gantry was Jimmy Hill who, unlike the calming presence of Brooking in 1990, greeted England finally opening their account for the tournament against Poland in wonderful fashion:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Davies: "...four in the area...LINEKER!" </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Hill: "Haaaaaaooooooooooooooooooo! Ha-ha-ha-hooooooooooooooo!" </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At no point since Brooking and Hill left the gantry have we had a co-commentator that we felt was with us for every kick, every foul and every agonising miss. In Brazil next year, we will likely hear the overearnest observations of Andy Townsend, the verbal whirlwind of Mark Bright and - if we're very unlucky - Mark Lawrenson, the commentary equivalent of the groan-inspiring joke in a Christmas cracker. While studio punditry has begun to get its house in some sort of order, it seems that broadcasters (and perhaps we, the viewers) are yet to identify the right formula for the modern co-commentator. However, you can rely on the Beeb for <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sffX9Wrbw9w" target="_blank">a touch of class in the end credits</a>.</b></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-size: large;">Kits - USA '94</span></b><br />
<a href="http://www.fifa.com/mm/photo/tournament/competition/02/15/28/31/2152831_full-lnd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="111" src="http://www.fifa.com/mm/photo/tournament/competition/02/15/28/31/2152831_full-lnd.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The goal-shy Italia '90 signalled the end for many of football's increasingly stale elements. Within two years, the backpass law had been introduced, increasing the speed and intensity of the game almost instantly. <br /><br />Meanwhile, the next World Cup was to break new ground. The United States had won the right to host it, despite not having a domestic league to call its own, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">and made up in sheer flamboyance what it lacked in genuine soccer pedigree. If the sight of Diana Ross bottling it from the penalty spot on the opening day wasn't arresting enough, USA '94 was notable for a kaleidoscopic explosion of 100% polyester.</span><br />
<a href="http://colgadosporelfutbol.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Jorge-Campos-con-sus-excentricos-atuendos-fue-un-portero-espectacular.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://colgadosporelfutbol.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Jorge-Campos-con-sus-excentricos-atuendos-fue-un-portero-espectacular.jpeg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />With some stunning exceptions (Denmark's Hummel-designed efforts in 1986 continue to induce hipster swooning), football shirts had been mired in minimalism for decades. But now there was Sweden, Bulgaria, Norway and Romania. And Jorge Campos. The leading kit manufacturers, led by the bold stripes of Adidas, had chosen the perfect moment to throw caution to the wind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Austerity may be about to make a comeback, however. A vaguely-worded passage in Fifa's 2014 tournament regulations refers to kits being "predominately" dark or light in colour. Spain have opted for an all-red strip, while Germany and Argentina will wear tradition-defying white shorts. An important part of World Cup iconography is under threat, but no-one is quite sure why.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-size: large;">Match ball - Adidas Tango, 1982</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Surprisingly (or not, given that they're a rather fundamental piece of equipment) match balls have</span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Football_(association_football)#FIFA_World_Cup" target="_blank"> an eventful World Cup history</a></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. The very first final in 1930 was preceded by a charmingly playground-style spat between Uruguay and Argentina who both insisted on using their own ball; a Fifa compromise finally saw them accept a half each.</span><br />
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Brown or orange leather balls were de rigueur at tournaments until 1970, when the truncated icosahedron made its debut. The Adidas Telstar's revolutionary black-and-white design (which improved the ball's visibility for TV viewers) remains, several decades later, the universally-understood symbol for "football". Even now, given a pen and paper, nobody is going to draw a picture of a Jabulani, are they?</span><br />
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<img height="200" src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01532/1974_1532337i.jpg" width="200" /> <img height="200" src="http://blog.footballfilter.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/1982tangoespana.jpg" width="198" /><img height="200" src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01532/1962_1532302i.jpg" width="200" /></div>
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Then, in 1978, came a <b><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/sport/blog/2008/nov/06/1" target="_blank">design classic</a> - </b>the Adidas Tango. What it lacked in visual impact in comparison to its predecessor, it made up for in understated style. The design remained more or less intact through to the 1998 World Cup, when the Tricolore signalled the beginning of the end - multicoloured match balls. 2002's official abomination, the Fevernova, was blamed for a catalogue of poor free-kicks before World Cup balls reached their widely-accepted nadir in 2010 with the seemingly anti-gravity Jabulani. It remains to be seen what the goalkeepers' union think of the freshly-unveiled Brazuca.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The technique of thermal bonding, where stitching was once used, has produced near-frictionless beach balls that veer through the air and consternate the world's leading goalkeepers in the run-up to every tournament. Bring back the Tango. Or perhaps the delightfully-named 1962 ball, "Mr. Crack".</span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m6514K3V_cc/UmjWj2WErpI/AAAAAAAAA2I/uTZANY-AASQ/s1600/yekini.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"></span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Goalscoring - </span></span><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-size: large;">Spain, 1982</span></b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;"> </span></span><br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m6514K3V_cc/UmjWj2WErpI/AAAAAAAAA2I/uTZANY-AASQ/s1600/yekini.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="138" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m6514K3V_cc/UmjWj2WErpI/AAAAAAAAA2I/uTZANY-AASQ/s200/yekini.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Until the expansion of the competition to 32 teams in 1998, the 1982 World Cup was the highest-scoring in history, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLMGTWHtyDc&feature=share&list=PLBBB5CC9687A4AFD1" target="_blank"><b>but quantity did not come at the cost of quality</b></a>. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Free-kicks flew in from every direction and Brazilians Eder, Socrates and Zico held their own personal goal of the tournament competition - mainly at the expense of a forlorn-looking Alan Rough in the Scotland goal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">1982 also gave us the greatest goal celebration of all time when Marco Tardelli wildly wheeled away, fists raised, as he put Italy in the driving seat against West Germany in the final. The sheer pace of Tardelli's celebratory spree, and the subtle arc of his run, makes it worth a thousand Roger Milla corner-flag jigs or Bebeto cradles.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">More recently, the 2006 tournament featured<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEwWBxoXwek&feature=share&list=PLBBB5CC9687A4AFD1"> <b>an increasingly absurd selection</b></a> of long-range efforts.<b> </b>In 1994, <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAyjYKwDZxU">cavernous, billowing, luxurious goal nets</a> </b>characterised a World Cup of excess - record attendances, soaring temperatures and goals, goals, goals. 141 of them rifled, curled and slotted their way into these voluptuous onion bags, plus a visibly emotional Rashidi Yekini.</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.ganzomag.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Italia-Argentina-2-1-Maradona-e-Gentile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="138" src="http://www.ganzomag.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Italia-Argentina-2-1-Maradona-e-Gentile.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Indiscipline - Germany, 2006</span></b></span><br />
<a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BaaAPcHIYAAtICD.jpg:large" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img alt="Media preview" border="0" height="138" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BaaAPcHIYAAtICD.jpg:large" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Despite repeated Fifa directives aimed at quelling them, acts of violence and disorder are an indelible feature of the rich World Cup tapestry.<br /><br />Cameroon's attempts to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KedhyI7lHNw"><b>cut Claudio Caniggia down to size</b></a> in the opening match of Italia '90 are remembered as fondly as Francois Omam-Biyik's gravity-defying headed winner. Italian enforcer <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk1iRg4Xt-M" target="_blank">Claudio Gentile's 90-minute bullying of Diego Maradona</a> </b>in 1982<b> </b>included a mere 23 fouls (despite, record books say, him being booked <i>in the first minute</i>). It was undeniably effective, though - Italy claimed a vital 2-1 win, and Gentile presumably pocketed Maradona's dinner money. After three consecutive tournaments of being kicked from pillar to post and back again, an ephedrine-fuelled Maradona would himself see his World Cup odyssey end in crazy-eyed ignominy in 1994.</span><br />
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Statistically, the 2006 finals stand out as the dirtiest of all. Their crown jewel of indiscretion was Portugal's second-round clash with the Netherlands, melodramatically dubbed the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wALiyDM_Nk" style="font-weight: bold;">"The Battle of Nuremberg"</a>, which<b> </b>saw four red and 16 yellow cards and eclipsed both the Battles of <b><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Berne">Berne</a></b> and <b><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Santiago">Santiago</a> </b>in the process. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">World Cup officials haven't always made life easy for themselves. Ecuadorian referee Byron Moreno's eccentric decisions in favour of co-hosts South Korea raised a few eyebrows (and broke a few Italian hearts) in 2002. Moreno would go on to be banned for 20 games in his home country for some suspicious timekeeping, and then jailed for 26 months for attempting to smuggle heroin into the US via his underpants. All of which makes Graham Poll's infamous administrative error in 2006, when he managed to book Josip Simunic three times, look rather tame.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Official World Cup Film - </span></b></span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Hero </i>(1986)</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">An immediate thing you notice when looking back at Mexico '86 is the unrelenting sunshine. It created a tournament-long shimmer that more than compensated for the absence of potentially more dramatic floodlit matches, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZM4d3LCE_tU" target="_blank"><b>Fifa's official film, </b></a><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZM4d3LCE_tU" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">Hero</a>,</b> unashamedly basks in the rays. Michael Caine's unhurried narration, backed by some genuinely wonderful Rick Wakeman synths,</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> betrays a detached awe of foreign football that would seem quaint now: Michael Laudrup, "from the glamorous Juventus club in the Italian league", slaloms about in slow-motion, and the irrepressible Hugo Sanchez drags the hosts to the quarter-finals.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The main protagonist of this World Cup is undeniable - Maradona is the anti-hero and the narrative is compelling.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You suspect they could easily have made this entire film from footage of him either being fouled or appealing in vain to unmoved referees. The muscular cannonball twists, turns and tricks his way past Uruguay, England and Belgium in the knockout stages before West Germany loom in the final at the Azteca. Argentina contrive to throw away a two-goal lead but, with one final piece of magic, Maradona releases Jorge Burruchaga to slide home the winner and complete El Diego's script - the greatest solo effort the world's biggest team sport has ever seen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This hypothetical, perfect World Cup offers a chance for history's greatest also-rans to shine. <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2012/jul/25/italy-brazil-1982" target="_blank"><b>The Brazil side of 1982</b></a> could only curl, dink and swerve their way to the second round but, 12 years later, Romario would finally toe-poke the <i>Selecao </i>to their fourth title.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Still waiting for their first triumph, and unfortunate enough to fall at the final hurdle to two consecutive host nations in 1974 and 1978, are the Netherlands. The first of those finals has <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/sport/blog/2008/sep/19/germanyfootballteam.holland" target="_blank"><b>taken on more and more of a hard-luck hue</b></a> as the years have rolled by but the Dutch arrived in Munich after putting six goals past Brazil and Argentina without reply in the second round. A training-ground passing session led to Johan Cruyff being felled by Berti Vogts in the opening minute and, well, you know the rest.<br /><br />For once, this perfect World Cup will risk the commensurate peril of writing the Germans off. The Italians and Brazilian trophy cabinets are already well-stocked, and Spain's possession-hoarding metronomes have already seen the early rumblings of a backlash. Cruyff gets his hands on a World Cup trophy (not the punier Jules Rimet version, although it's a close call) and his legacy, like Maradona's, has its crowning glory.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cue Luciano...</span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-29417582392121908412013-10-10T14:18:00.004+00:002013-10-10T14:29:05.322+00:00Celebrity Referees: More Trouble Than They're Worth?<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 21px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc;">If the best referees are indeed the ones you don't see, this has been a particularly inauspicious week for officialdom. Mark Halsey's overexcited </span><span style="background-color: black; color: #f1c232;"><i>lambasting </i></span><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc;">of the current crop of top-flight referees, which followed his replay-by-replay dismantling on BT Sport of the weekend's big decisions, </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/oct/08/graham-poll-attacks-mark-halsey-referees-betrayal" style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc; cursor: pointer;" target="_blank"><b>was met with disdain from former colleague Graham Poll</b></a><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc;">. The public show of disharmony within the traditionally tight-knit referees' union is remarkable, but the belligerents in this </span><i style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">war of words</span></i><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc;"> are perhaps less surprising.</span></span><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc; line-height: 21px;">There are frequent calls for referees to be more accountable, and to "come out and explain their decisions" after a match. Their governing body, the Professional Game Match Officials Ltd (PGMOL), are steadfast in their opposition to opening this particular can of worms, which may explain the enthusiasm with which <a href="http://www.jeffwinterentertainmentandmedia.co.uk/" style="cursor: pointer;" target="_blank"><b>some retired officials</b></a> have taken to the media after hanging up their whistles. </span><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"></span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc; line-height: 21px;">Dermot Gallagher's stern appearances on Sky Sports News, Poll's newspaper columns and Halsey's BT Sport residency all had the potential to demonstrate the extreme difficulties and pressures of being a modern-day football referee, but each of them (to various degrees) has descended to cheap shots or vague "six and two threes" observations. God knows what <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segar_Bastard" style="cursor: pointer;" target="_blank"><b>Segar Bastard</b></a> would make of it all.</span><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"><span style="color: #cccccc;">The era of full-time match officials has brought with it some earnest professionalism (more on this to come), while bringing to an end quaint practices such as broadcasters mentioning a referee's home town before kick-off, apparently abandoned through fear of encouraging harassment. A shame, because the Chester-le-Street</span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;">, Tring</span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;"> and Orpington</span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i><i style="color: #cccccc;"> </i><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">of this world</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;"> deserved their brief moments of fame. </span></span><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"><span style="color: #cccccc;">Professional referees are not just expected to get decisions right, but to look deadly serious in the process. No referee can compete with the array of camera angles the broadcasters have at their disposal but, faced with a 50-50 tackle or </span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">a coming-together</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;"> in the box, they have developed </span><a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BHmmTnYCQAAp0vf.jpg" style="color: #cccccc; cursor: pointer;" target="_blank"><b>a strange crouch-and-squint technique</b></a><span style="color: #cccccc;"> which, at least, assures us all that they've really, </span><i style="color: #cccccc;">really </i><span style="color: #cccccc;">looked at the incident. </span></span><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: #cccccc; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"></span></span><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"><span style="color: #cccccc;">The wonderfully emphatic gesture of both arms swept in a scissor motion across the chest instantly relays a message of "</span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">nothing doing</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;">" as a hopeful penalty appeal is raised among players and fans. The cult spectacle of a referee </span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">pointing out various areas of the pitch</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;"> to a repeat offender to justify his yellow card demonstrates the ability of the modern officials to accommodate the viewing millions as well as the twenty-two players under their jurisdiction. Things have moved on considerably from the days when their only concerns, if the Ian Campbell Folk Group were to be believed, were their "whistle, notebook and stopwatch":</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"></span><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;">At the risk of angering those who insist some referees are still star-struck by the players they officiate each week, there still appears to be room for personality among the elite referees group. Mike Dean's withering looks in the direction of hysterical players can delight or infuriate, depending on your allegiances, while Mark Clattenburg's perpetual expression of mild irritation makes you wonder how enjoyable life as a referee really is. Howard Webb has the approachable authority of a deputy headmaster, a far cry from the schoolmasterly David Elleray who, in the grand old tradition of disclosing referees' day jobs, we all know was actually a Harrow schoolmaster.</span><br style="line-height: 21px;" /><span style="line-height: 21px;"><br /></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: black;">Our officials are waging a constant battle against common perceptions about what good refereeing actually is. There is a traditional proclivity, especially among TV commentators, for leniency and for a referee to "keep his cards in his pocket". Managers ask for "common sense" one moment and, without a hint of irony, bemoan a perceived lack of "consistency" the next. The referees' lack of a right of reply is glaringly exposed during the forensic post-match analysis. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;">When</span><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"> </span><i style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;">Match of the Day</i><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; line-height: 21px;">resorts to freezing the action to evaluate an official's positioning for a split-second decision, complete with comic-book graphics to emphasis his line of sight, it becomes a laughably counterproductive debate.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><br style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;" /><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 21px;"><span style="color: #cccccc;">The least forgiving, of course, are the fans - their most potent weapon is arguably the </span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">ironic cheer</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;">, a gleefully childish expression of injustice that greets a free-kick in their favour after a string of decisions the other way. </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 21px;"><span style="color: #cccccc;">The man in the middle, at least, can distance himself from the baying hordes. Not so the fourth official, whose matchday tasks include enforcing the dimensions of the technical area, fielding futile grievances from under-pressure managers, and trying to think of a brief quip to share with the next substitute who waits to </span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">enter the fray</span></i><span style="color: #cccccc;">. Spare a thought also for </span></span><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xvr2qd_goal-line-referee-is-prepared_sport" style="color: #cccccc; cursor: pointer; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 21px;" target="_blank"><b>UEFA's well-prepared goal-line officials</b></a><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 21px;"> who, because they don't wave a fluorescent flag, have their very existence questioned by ignorant co-commentators on a midweekly basis. </span><br style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 21px;" /><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 21px;"></span></span><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 21px;">On the evidence of Halsey and Poll's tête-à-tête this week, there is little sympathy for attention-seekers among the refereeing fraternity. While an inside view on the unique demands of officiating top-level football should be encouraged, it seems their careers spent sheltered from the media spotlight have done them no favours when they find themselves stranded outside their comfort zones on our TV screens.</span><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 21px;"> </span></span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-72559994943818282062013-09-06T13:37:00.000+00:002013-09-07T08:39:35.605+00:00Stepping Up.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rickie Lambert, you may have gathered, crowned his fairytale England debut within seconds, scoring past international football hall-of-famers Grant Hanley and Russell Martin in a 3-2 win against Scotland. He now has to prove that his <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">meteoric rise</span></i> to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">international level</span></i> is no fluke, as he makes his first start this evening in the World Cup qualifier against many people's <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">dark horses</span></i> for glory next year, Moldova.</span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wgojRCBUIv8/UikV7OUaXtI/AAAAAAAAAvo/oS50fKUK9sQ/s1600/tahiti_Worn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wgojRCBUIv8/UikV7OUaXtI/AAAAAAAAAvo/oS50fKUK9sQ/s200/tahiti_Worn.jpg" width="190" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Just what <i><b>is </b><span style="color: #f1c232;">international level</span></i>? Let's look at the evidence. We know that it's where <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">John Terry's lack of pace gets cruelly exposed</span></i>, that there are <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">no easy games</span></i> to be found, and that a one-in-two goalscoring record is not to be sniffed at. <br /><br /><i>"But can he make that step up to international level?"</i> starts out as a stale brain-fart from an ITV studio pundit. Then it gets absorbed by the Carling-soaked brains in pubs. Then those Carling-soaked brains repeat it within earshot of their impressionable offspring. Before you know it, this country will be overrun by people in a paranoid frenzy about whether a top-flight 15-goal-a-season man can unlock a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">well-drilled</span></i> Gibraltar <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">rearguard </span></i>to keep alive England's hopes of qualifying for the 2038 World Cup - controversially due to be held on the dwindling ice-shelf of Antarctica - and thus ease the pressure on <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">under-fire</span></i> manager Theo Walcott.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In terms of the concentration of talent, the almost total marginalisation of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">minnows</span></i>, and sheer excitement, it must be put forward that the Champions League represents the true pinnacle of the game, even if the World Cup reassuringly remains a grander spectacle. But the concept of an <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">international level</span></i> implies that there are other factors to consider. The lessened threat of weak opposition, hamstrung by nations' populations, is tempered by a relative lack of team unity, cohesive tactics and preparation time, compared to the day-to-day environment of club football. Throw in a generally-declared indifference to international football (and friendlies in particular), and suddenly the "step up" <a href="http://espnfc.com/blog/_/name/espnfcunited/id/1029?cc=5739"><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">becomes rather complex after all</span></b></a>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Making this mythical ascension to the national team perhaps applies most to strikers, for whom the proof is always in the goal-flavoured pudding. So, let's just see how challenging it has been for some of world football's greatest onion-bag-bulgers to take their form into the global arena. I looked at the exploits of the ten leading international goalscorers of the last 20 years, and compared those records with their domestic <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">plundering</span></i>.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ali Daei - 103% better at international level</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Iranian legend, despite <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_Daei#Club_career_statistics"><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">some creative accounting</span></b></a> of his club career on his Wikipedia page, somehow managed to be twice as prolific for his national team than he ever was for Bayern Munich, Hertha Berlin or Arminia Bielefeld, among many others. His statistics are perhaps boosted by his five-goal haul against Sri Lanka and four goals apiece in qualifying games against Laos, Nepal and a 19 (NINETEEN)-nil nail-biter against Guam on route to World Cup 2006.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Stern John - 74% better </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">CONCACAF's all-time leading goalscorer, the Trinidadian's <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">goalscoring prowess</span></i> was first noticed in 1997 during his spell at the club with the greatest name of in the history of football, the New Orleans Riverboat Gamblers. <a href="http://www.rsssf.com/miscellaneous/john-intlg.html"><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Fifteen years and 70 goals later</span></b></a>, including 20 goals in 49 World Cup qualifiers, John was reportedly <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">plying his</span></i> domestic <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">trade </span></i>at Conference North <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">outfit </span></i>Solihull Moors.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Miroslav Klose - 33% better </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A well-documented phenomenon at international level. Klose has regularly <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">filled his boots</span></i> in competitive games for Germany, with his record at the European Championships (3 in 13) the only blot in his goalscoring scrapbook. Only in his three seasons at Werder Bremen did his domestic ratio get anywhere near his hit-rate for his country.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ronaldo - 6% worse </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The only <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">out-and-out striker</span></i> in this pitifully flawed sample size to have enjoyed greater domestic success <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">in front of goal</span></i>, even managing to maintain a one-in-two record for Corinthians during the final, mid-1970s-Elvis-Presley chapter of his career. His 15 goals in 19 World Cup games, though, suggest that even Ronaldo's make-do-and-mend knees could handle the step up to international level with considerable ease.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Didier Drogba - 45% better </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OlUp2sZUrgU/UikMuV_tAkI/AAAAAAAAAvY/IE6KG3Fki_g/s1600/International+Level.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="292" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OlUp2sZUrgU/UikMuV_tAkI/AAAAAAAAAvY/IE6KG3Fki_g/s320/International+Level.png" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When not fulfilling his day-job as a pouting, civil-war-ending <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">talisman</span></i>, Drogba has amassed a fearsome international goal haul, over 11% of which was at the expense of mighty Benin. He averages exactly a goal a game in qualifying campaigns, but his club career is perhaps hindered by his relative slow start at Le Mans in his early twenties.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Robbie Keane - 18% better </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">An international expert at only <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robbie_Keane#International_goals"><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">beating what's put in front of him</span></b></a>, with 42 goals in 69 qualifying games, Keane perhaps enjoyed the relative consistency of international duty, given his peripatetic club career.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Gabriel Batistuta - 24% better </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A <a href="http://www.rsssf.com/miscellaneous/batistuta-intlg.html"><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">hugely impressive barometer of international goalscoring</span></b></a>, taking in three World Cups (plus the marathon gauntlet of the CONMEBOL qualifying format) and three Copas America. Despite averaging well over a goal every other game against miserly <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Serie A defences</span></i> (I know, I know...), <i>Batigol </i>still managed to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">find an extra gear</span></i> - or at least a quarter of one - for his country. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>David Villa - 24% better </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Villa matches Batistuta's goalscoring acceleration between club and international football, proving 24% more prolific in the national team's shirt. Given that his goal haul coincides with Spain's indisputable <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">golden era</span></i>, with greater knockout-round pressures, it seems Villa has had little trouble <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">knowing where the goal is</span></i> outside of La Liga.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Landon Donovan - 8% worse </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The first thing to note about Landon Donovan is the preposterous number of caps for his tender(ish) age. The odd one out among the pure centre-forwards in this list, Donovan's stepping-up to international level perhaps shouldn't be judged solely on his finishing ability, but <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landon_Donovan#Career_statistics"><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">his goal record at club level</span></b></a> does look rather MLS-enhanced.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Romario - 14% better </b></span><b style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">at international level</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Toe-poking his way to a heavily disputed career goals tally of over 1,000, Romario benefited from Brazil's 1990s Harlem Globetrotting - 17 of his goals came in friendlies. His early-career tenure at PSV Eindhoven remained as his longest club spell, which seems rather odd. In any case, his stepping up to international level is beyond all doubt.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">An obsession with goalscoring is understandable - no amount of pass-completion stats will change that - but it seems that the graduation to the national team is easier for strikers after all. It's much harder (and even more boring) to attempt to quantify what international level entails for defenders and goalkeepers, but it seems logical that they would be most exposed by the relative openness of these games compared to the more rigid, well-trained systems of club football. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Rickie Lambert may or may not score against Moldova tonight, but the significance either way is nowhere near as much as we'll be led to believe in tomorrow's media post-mortem. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It's not so much a step up to international level - more of a barn door.</span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-61648833814403929442013-09-05T12:00:00.000+00:002014-01-30T11:57:06.389+00:00“Look at that! Oh, look at that!” – An Ascent to VHS Football Heaven<div style="border: 0px; line-height: 20px; padding: 5px 0px;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Football nostalgia clings to the belief that football was better in the old days. Everything after 1992 has become the new “post-war”, which is apparently BSkyB’s evil doing, leaving the backpass rule – the most important development in football since they outlawed killing each other – criminally overlooked</span>.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, I won’t pretend that being able to watch pretty much all the football my heart desires (by hook or by illegally-streamed crook), involving the most finely-tuned athletes the game has seen playing the game more quickly than ever before, is less appealing than the coverage of twenty years ago.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">What football’s saturation point has done, though, is remove much of the sheer mystique. The “</span><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">crack East European outfits</span></i><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">” are no longer the unknown quantities of yesteryear, while the continent’s top leagues dominate the weekend schedules on BT Sport and Sky, enabling any Tom, Dick or Javier to pronounce themselves a #europeanfootballexpert.</span><br /><span id="more-3282" style="border: 0px; color: #f3f3f3; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Any wonder goal scored anywhere will be available on Twitter in .gif form within minutes, so what does this mean for the quaint concept of the annual goals compilation video? The difficulty I had even finding a VCR to reacquaint myself with my childhood collection of dog-eared cassettes suggests their heyday passed a long time ago. Here are some of the best (and worst) of the genre:</span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>101 Great Goals (1987)</b></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sjRWxw3JOt4/UihvnnN-VjI/AAAAAAAAAuc/ki8QhT9ZxR0/s1600/101-great-goals-vhs-cover-art.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sjRWxw3JOt4/UihvnnN-VjI/AAAAAAAAAuc/ki8QhT9ZxR0/s200/101-great-goals-vhs-cover-art.jpg" height="200" width="105" /></span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The godfather of all goals videos, which (possibly) gave its name to the omniscient website we all now spoil the Match of the Day surprise with. Does anybody avoid the scores any more? Can anyone be bothered?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_h4APiEZudg" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" target="_blank"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Starting with Liam Brady’s swerving effort against Spurs in 1978 and ending with Clive Allen’s opener in the ’87 FA Cup final</span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> (the omission of Keith Houchen’s effort is a rare blot on this compilation’s copybook), </span><em style="border: 0px; color: #f3f3f3; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">101 Great Goals</em><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> spans nearly a decade of pearlers and belters.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">It’s also a commentary masterclass. John Motson and Barry Davies are in their unbridled pomp here, somehow injecting goals by </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=ZnjEmscMDR4#t=195s" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Ronnie Radford</span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> and </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnKBwYHAbE4" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Mickey Walsh</span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> with even more drama.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Ricky Villa’s goal in the 1981 Cup final replay is in there. You’re all familiar enough with it, no doubt, but have you ever noticed </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R44tPArJIy4" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">what Garth Crooks does</span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> just as Villa steadies himself to shoot?</span></span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>501 Great Goals From the Last 5 Years (1992)</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">From the sublime to the ridiculous. Craving more goal action after nearly wearing out my copy of <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">101 Great Goals</em>, I chanced upon the veritable feast that was <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">501 Great Goals</em>. Lineker, Gascoigne and Barnes adorned the cover and I couldn’t wait to get it home. What my crestfallen nine-year-old self found was a dreadful, battery-hen approach to goal compilations.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ltD1hEA0Qjs/Uihv92g6toI/AAAAAAAAAus/CBtiznn9oNE/s1600/61CDbY+uadL._SL500_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ltD1hEA0Qjs/Uihv92g6toI/AAAAAAAAAus/CBtiznn9oNE/s200/61CDbY+uadL._SL500_.jpg" height="153" width="200" /></span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With some haphazard captioning and – horror of horrors – <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">repeating </em>some of the goals to make up the numbers (“Teddy Sherringham” pops up with a carbon copy of an earlier strike from his Millwall days), this is a shambles from start to finish. The rancid cherry on the top of the cake is the use of club commentators rather than those from the established broadcasters. A particularly partisan Blackburn Rovers commentator celebrates, Sky <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">FanZone </em>style, when record goalscorer Simon Garner nets against some lower-league slugs.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">However, you suspect this video still sold well, primarily because of its bold title but also because people were so starved of televised British football at the start of the 90s that they’d watch any old rubbish.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cVOBherp0aY/UihvtXqcJFI/AAAAAAAAAuk/imAcjCuKSjk/s1600/$(KGrHqR,!hwE-yfn9hIvBP)iZE5o4g~~60_35.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cVOBherp0aY/UihvtXqcJFI/AAAAAAAAAuk/imAcjCuKSjk/s200/$(KGrHqR,!hwE-yfn9hIvBP)iZE5o4g~~60_35.JPG" height="200" width="113" /></span></a><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>502 Great Goals (1993)</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What a difference a goal makes. A far more polished effort arrived the next year in the shape of the imaginatively-titled 502 Great Goals. Boasting “a goal every 17 seconds”, this gargantuan collection starts in the black-and-white mid-60s and finishes with a glimpse of things to come – Sky’s bombastic coverage of the 1992 Charity Shield goal-fest between Leeds and Liverpool.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">The real highlight of this compilation is its focus on England goals over three decades. Gary Lineker’s vulture-like plundering features heavily, and there’s also room for Luther Blissett scoring the </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abBGQgAA7bE" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">worst hat-trick of all time</span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> against Luxembourg in 1982</span><span style="border: 0px; color: #f3f3f3; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">.</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Saves Galore! 1989/90</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Football League-sanctioned <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Goals Galore!</em> and <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Saves Galore!</em> series ran for four seasons around the turn of the 90s, and provided a slicker approach to the football compilation genre.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Saves Galore!</em> is hosted by the ever-enthusiastic Jim Rosenthal, accompanied in the curious setting of an editing suite by an assured Ray Clemence, with both wearing ghastly (and therefore quite contemporary) cardigans.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4bwV-FvHW2w/UihvYt-rFqI/AAAAAAAAAuU/MJ3WWxBKwJM/s1600/saves-galore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4bwV-FvHW2w/UihvYt-rFqI/AAAAAAAAAuU/MJ3WWxBKwJM/s200/saves-galore.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Featuring the “best 110 saves of the 1989/90 Barclays League Division One season”, this gem does not disappoint. Perhaps the golden era of domestic goalkeeping, the likes of Neville Southall and Bruce Grobbelaar appear, plus the up-and-coming David Seaman and Nigel Martyn. 40-year-old Peter Shilton demonstrates the “reflexes of a teenager”, according to Clemence, while looking very much like a 40-year-old with a perm <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">and </em>a mullet to the rest of us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Southall’s duels with an increasingly frustrated Ian Rush are a joy, as are the chucklesome “bloopers” segments, complete with comedy sound effects, featuring Eric Thorstvedt jumping into his own goal with the ball and </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=5OUNuMSG1RI#t=14s" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">that</em> goal</span></a><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"> by Gary Crosby.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Goals videos, like Ceefax, are now sadly obsolete. All that is left of this once glorious genre are the comedy football DVDs fronted by football-illiterate comedians from panel shows. Don’t buy one of those this Christmas – get yourself an old VCR and a copy of <em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">101 Great Goals</em>, and party like it’s 1992.</span></div>
FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-62371738583246813642013-08-20T07:20:00.000+00:002013-08-20T07:23:10.055+00:00On Paper.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I must begin with a confession. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> In 1994, I took an A4-size banner to a football game. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I was sat at the very top and rear of the main stand. The game wasn't even televised. I'd even taken the trouble of writing my incendiary message in the native language of the visiting foreign side. "Welcome to Hell" it was not. The game finished 0-0.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Anyway, having faced up to my shameful past, I feel qualified to comment upon the recent revival in quaint (but very, very earnest) A4-sized football banners. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I-LA-kl2GaU/UhKjT5qGj2I/AAAAAAAAAsI/pI0OQ3KD9i0/s1600/benitez.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I-LA-kl2GaU/UhKjT5qGj2I/AAAAAAAAAsI/pI0OQ3KD9i0/s320/benitez.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A polychrome effort from disgruntled Chelsea fans.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> What first strikes you upon seeing these pitiful printed protests (usually against some perceived crimes against football administration) is the person holding it aloft. A middle-aged, stern-faced man. A middle-aged, stern-faced man who took the conscious decision before the game to conceive, type and print a message of protest on to a piece of A4 paper and take it with him to a football game, to hold it up for nobody in particular to read. Furthermore, the accessibility of A4-size paper notwithstanding, this man knew he'd need to get this banner on TV to have any chance of it being noticeable or legible to any more than half-a-dozen people. It is the minuscule size of these banners that set them apart from vandalised bedsheets in the cringeworthiness stakes. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5M9k9ekSHoM/UhKjZv_0c1I/AAAAAAAAAsQ/MMkERmugmnc/s1600/spend.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5M9k9ekSHoM/UhKjZv_0c1I/AAAAAAAAAsQ/MMkERmugmnc/s320/spend.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Advice for economics graduate Arsene Wenger.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Word processing advances have gradually phased out the hand-written A4 banner which was often hampered by a misjudgment of the available space, leading to the last few letters having to be squeezed in by their (surely now crestfallen) amateur designer. A3-size paper is now increasingly common, saving those who really want to make their opinion heard the arduous task of printing two separate A4-size segments and taping them together, as if their dignity wasn't blown to quite enough smithereens.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> We are yet to see the widespread use of iPad-based banners, which would offer the most fickle fans the real-time capability of targeting the overpaid underperformer of their choice, while the Etch-A-Sketch has survived over half a century without (to my knowledge) being used to declare someone a wanker at a Football League ground. But can these A4 banners do it on a cold, wet Wednesday night in Stoke?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Homemade, hand-held displays of allegiance do not necessarily have to be negative in their outlook. Tin-foil-and-cardboard FA Cups, which make up for their lack of bile in sheer preparation time, continue to be a vital component of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the magic of the FA Cup</span></i>. However there has been a disappointing lack of progression to 3D forms, particularly given the malleability of the foil. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> So, if you're sat at your computer on a Saturday morning, mulling over an A4-sized banner to take to your game that afternoon, think some more. Really? Is it <i>really </i>worth it? </span></div>
FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-59425242843725581152013-08-09T10:15:00.001+00:002013-08-09T11:43:29.754+00:00Rewriting Football History with Sensible Soccer™ - Episode 1 of 1 England's World Cup '94 Qualifying<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A retweet dropped into my timeline yesterday evening, alerting the world to a website that boasted online emulations of every Sega Mega Drive game ever produced. My eyes were drawn instantly to the unmistakable title screen image of <a href="http://www.ssega.com/game.php?id=1490" target="_blank"><b>Sensible Soccer</b></a>. A few button-presses later and I was about to embark on qualification for World Cup '94. For some reason, a few hours later, I'd written this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1992. A time when we were all allowed to refer to the Netherlands national team as "Holland" without being corrected and English football was languishing in its post-Heysel doldrums, ready to be dragged back into the limelight by BSkyB. The national team had been <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">unceremoniously dumped out</span></i> of Euro '92, Keith Curle was our best attempt at a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">swashbuckling </span></i>wing-back, and the best bits of Paul Gascoigne's knee were still embedded somewhere in the shinpads of Gary Charles.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But enough of the grim reality - let's get Sensible.</span></div>
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<tr><td><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WhA_dYJQ2Q0/UgQBnwotcfI/AAAAAAAAApE/eVWMbleW6WM/s1600/pressconf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WhA_dYJQ2Q0/UgQBnwotcfI/AAAAAAAAApE/eVWMbleW6WM/s200/pressconf.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Hurrey is unveiled as England manager in August 1992</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8XIrYDVfOE&list=PLD9299AEBEC89D0A8&index=14" target="_blank">Graham Taylor</a></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> was sacked upon the squad's return from Sweden, and relative unknown Adam Hurrey was swiftly installed in his place to lead the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">beleaguered </span></i>England into a </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1994_FIFA_World_Cup_qualification_(UEFA_-_Group_2)" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank"><b>tricky-looking qualification campaign for the 1994 World Cup</b></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> to be held in the USA.</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eJT_VfypqeQ/UgQkSUWYWxI/AAAAAAAAApU/1rs2me-7eto/s1600/sensiblesoccer04.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eJT_VfypqeQ/UgQkSUWYWxI/AAAAAAAAApU/1rs2me-7eto/s320/sensiblesoccer04.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R69WpeIdczY" target="_blank"><b>England vs Norway - October 1992</b></a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the opener against Norway at Wembley, a revolutionary 4-3-3 formation saw Paul Gascoigne pushed forward into a three-pronged strikeforce with Alan Shearer and Les Ferdinand. The <span style="color: #f1c232;"><i>diminutive </i></span>Andy Sinton <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">provided width</span></i> in midfield alongside Paul Ince and David Platt, while Arsenal's Ian Wright <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">had to be content with a place on the bench</span></i>.<br /><br />A bright opening saw Shearer fire home after 27 mins, and England resisted a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">spirited </span></i>Norwegian <span style="color: #f1c232;"><i>fightback </i></span>to make the perfect start to their qualifying campaign.</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ATZWc4443Ug/UgQkbBeZOkI/AAAAAAAAApc/IhW_G_MN74I/s1600/sensiblesoccer11.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ATZWc4443Ug/UgQkbBeZOkI/AAAAAAAAApc/IhW_G_MN74I/s320/sensiblesoccer11.png" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0ES3vjXSI0" target="_blank">England vs Turkey - November 1992</a></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Turkey were next to visit Wembley. Sinton had failed to impress the new manager against Norway, and Wright was brought into the forward line as Gascoigne <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">probed </span></i>from a deeper midfield berth. England were left to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">rue </span></i>missed chances by Shearer and, from point-blank range, Ferdinand as the Turks took a shock lead. England's frustration was summed up by a yellow card for Shearer for an apparent elbow on a Turkish defender on the stroke of half-time.<br /><br />A stern talking to at half-time from manager Hurrey saw England emerge for the second half with real purpose. On 49 minutes, they were <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">handed a lifeline</span></i>. Shearer tumbled in the area and, to the Turks' dismay, the referee pointed to the spot. Les Ferdinand <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">stepped up</span></i> to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">slot home</span></i> to the keeper's left, and England were back in business.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6fXEd2BKs_w/UgQmKYWkAqI/AAAAAAAAAqw/hbl7oWmY7Tg/s1600/sensiblesoccer06.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6fXEd2BKs_w/UgQmKYWkAqI/AAAAAAAAAqw/hbl7oWmY7Tg/s320/sensiblesoccer06.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ferdinand converts from the spot.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Driven forward by the tireless Ince, England <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">laid siege to the</span></i> Turkish <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">goal</span></i>, only for a poor final ball to let them down time after time. Then, in a rare foray forward, Hami Mandirali stunned Wembley with a speculative 30-yard strike that Chris Woods should have dealt with comfortably, only for it to nestle in the corner of his net. With nine minutes left on the clock, England were staring defeat in the face.<br /><br />In the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">dying moments</span></i>, a long ball into the Turkish area fell to Shearer, who crashed it into the top left-hand corner <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">to spark</span></i> relieved <span style="color: #f1c232;"><i>celebrations</i></span>. A careless England had got out of jail here, but maintained their unbeaten start with another home game against <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">whipping boys</span></i> San Marino to come.</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WejwRRfuAKM/UgQkoo8zq6I/AAAAAAAAApk/A_tEEsgKCJw/s1600/sensiblesoccer15.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WejwRRfuAKM/UgQkoo8zq6I/AAAAAAAAApk/A_tEEsgKCJw/s320/sensiblesoccer15.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd8O_L9iyDA" target="_blank">England vs San Marino - February 1993</a></b></span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Any early anxiety was eased and goals began to flow against a willing but poor San Marino side. Ferdinand <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">bagged a brace</span></i>, with Shearer and Sinton (who went some way to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">silencing his critics</span></i>) also notching as England strolled to victory. Sterner tests lay ahead, including a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">daunting trip to Turkey</span></i> next. Hurrey's switch to a 3-4-1-2 formation - ostensibly to bring Gascoigne inside from the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">periphery </span></i>of left-wing - needed the more stringent examination that awaited in Izmir.</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Mz6dw-efoJY/UgQkvBbV7HI/AAAAAAAAAps/d1kXGrqUycE/s1600/sensiblesoccer19.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Mz6dw-efoJY/UgQkvBbV7HI/AAAAAAAAAps/d1kXGrqUycE/s320/sensiblesoccer19.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9NZe8EjJU4" target="_blank">Turkey vs England - March 1993</a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">cauldron</span></i>-like atmosphere was promised, but manager Hurrey refused to stray from his <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">gung-ho</span></i> attacking set-up, with striker Wright replacing Sinton in an <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">unfamiliar left-wing role</span></i>. The boldness would pay off handsomely. Alan Shearer, so frustrated at times in this qualifying campaign, span past his marker on 17 minutes and thumped a shot past Hayrettin Demirbas to give England the opening goal their confident start deserved.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shearer opens the scoring in Izmir.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Turkey were being given no time on the ball by England's <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">tigerish </span></i>central midfield of Ince and Platt and, two minutes later, Shearer produced a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">carbon copy</span></i> of his first goal. Turkey were <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">shell-shocked</span></i>, but more was to come. An in-swinging Gascoigne corner from the right <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">found the head of</span></i> Bulent Korkmaz who <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">contrived to</span></i> divert it past his own goalkeeper to compound his side's misery. With Turkish heads dropping, England amazingly made it four just before the break, as Gascoigne exploited the same space in which Shearer had previously made considerable hay, and thumped in gleefully off the crossbar as Demirbas advanced.<br /><br />As is so often with first-half <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">goal gluts</span></i>, the second 45 minutes rarely threatened to hit the same heights. Chris Woods, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">a virtual bystander</span></i> for the first hour, was finally <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">called into action</span></i> by a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">rasping drive</span></i> from Hakan Sukur, but Shearer was to have<i><span style="color: #f1c232;"> the final say</span></i> on this glorious night for English football. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Prodding </span></i>home from six yards after Gascoigne's initial effort had been saved, Shearer <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">claimed the match ball</span></i> and England had <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">sent a message</span></i> to the rest of Group 2.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ovweh7qS3dg" target="_blank">England vs Holland - April 1993</a></b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Everything was set for a titanic Wembley clash against Holland, who were top of Group 2 <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">by virtue of having played a game more</span></i>. An England win would take them top, and in <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the driving seat</span></i> for USA '94. Once again, Hurrey kept faith with his starting eleven, mainly because the only alternatives in his <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">bare-bones</span></i> squad were Gary Pallister and Carlton Palmer. England started confidently, building patiently from the back, partly through a reluctance to relinquish possession to the technically-gifted visitors. After 10 minutes, a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">flowing move</span></i> ended with Ed de Goey having to hurl himself to his left to keep out a diving Shearer header. After 24 minutes, though, England found a breakthrough in spectacular fashion. Ferdinand, surging from deep, was allowed to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">let fly</span></i> from <span style="color: #f1c232; font-style: italic;">all of</span> 25 <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">yards</span></i>, and de Goey <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">barely moved</span></i> as the ball <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">arrowed </span></i>past him.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ferdinand beats de Goey to put England ahead</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Wembley was in raptures. England continued to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">pepper </span></i>de Goey with shots, but the Dutch were beginning to benefit from a lethal combination of possession and space. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">The half-time whistle came at a good time </span></i>for Hurrey's side.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the hour mark</span></i>, the dangerous Bergkamp finally produced his moment of match-defining genius. Gliding in from the right, with England's defence standing off, the Inter Milan star swerved a stunning shot with the outside of his right boot into the corner of a full-stretch Woods' net. Now England were <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">under the cosh</span></i> and, with Hurrey hesitating to use his bench (and unsure how to access the in-game menu), the Dutch now posed a real threat. The hosts resorted to the long-ball game that was currently infesting their domestic game, desperate to keep the Dutch at bay, and the game<i><span style="color: #f1c232;"> petered out </span></i>to a 1-1 draw. Hurrey was left to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">rue </span></i>the moment of defensive carelessness that the ice-cold Bergkamp duly punished, and England headed to Chorzow to face an awkward Poland side that still had strong hopes themselves of reaching the finals.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8cpII0Wqtic/UgQk8S39PpI/AAAAAAAAAp8/JWFsspq2I7M/s1600/sensiblesoccer25.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8cpII0Wqtic/UgQk8S39PpI/AAAAAAAAAp8/JWFsspq2I7M/s320/sensiblesoccer25.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i5Tp6jZBgk" target="_blank">Poland vs England - May 1993</a></b><br /><br />Despite Ian Wright's good form on the domestic front and a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">clamouring for</span></i> his inclusion up front, Hurrey continued with his Shearer-Ferdinand partnership and Tony Adams retained his place in the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">heart of the defence</span></i> ahead of the pacier Pallister.<br /><br />A <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">cagey </span></i>first half on an uneven Chorzow <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">playing surface</span></i> did little to settle the nerves of Hurrey and his side. Once again, though, England found a way through. Les Ferdinand <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">latched on to</span></i> a lofted pass from Paul Ince (who once again had <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">grabbed</span></i> a qualifier <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">by the scruff of the neck</span></i>) and hammered a volley past Jaroslaw Bako. With a quarter of an hour to go, England refused to sit back and were rewarded with another Ferdinand stunner, as the QPR striker powered home from 18 yards to seal victory and increase the pressure on the Dutch.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_auy0rgppm4" target="_blank">Norway vs England - June 1993</a></b><br /><br />England were in a strong position in Group 2, and Hurrey's press conferences began to show less strain. There was an upbeat <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">mood in the camp</span></i> ahead of the trip to Oslo to take on the Norwegians, whose stuttering campaign had left them off the qualification pace. A win here would surely <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">secure </span></i>England's <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">passage</span></i> to the finals ahead of Norway and Turkey. Pallister this time got the nod over Adams at centre-half, but Hurrey's attacking line-up remained justifiably intact. What followed was arguably England's most cohesive performance of the campaign so far. Pallister slotted in assuredly to the defence, and Norway's resistance lasted a mere thirteen minutes before Shearer slammed England into the lead. Within 90 seconds, he was given<i><span style="color: #f1c232;"> the freedom of the</span></i> Norwegian <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">penalty area</span></i> to make it 2-0. England were cruising. Then, to complete a disastrous five-minute spell for Norway, Ferdinand broke free down the right and, spotting the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">onrushing </span></i>Gascoigne, pulled it back for the Lazio man to hit a thunderbolt past Erik Thorstvedt.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gascoigne races on to a Ferdinand pull-back for 3-0.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Egil Olsen's hosts could barely a muster a response in the second half, leaving David Platt - so far the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">unsung hero</span></i> of England's campaign amid the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">goalscoring exploits</span></i> of Shearer and Ferdinand - to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">embark on a mazy run</span></i> before beating Thorstvedt <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">all ends up</span></i> from 30 yards and provide the icing for England's already very tasty cake. A week later, the Dutch edged past Norway in Rotterdam, to trail England only on goal difference at the top, but <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">qualification </span></i>for Hurrey's men <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">was all but sealed</span></i>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmucoDQuTYY" target="_blank">England vs Poland - September 1993</a></b><br /><br />Poland were next to travel to London, with England keen to maintain momentum in the hunt to top the group. With Shearer's yellow card against Turkey hanging over him - and the trip to Rotterdam on the horizon - Wright finally got his chance to partner Ferdinand, while Stuart Pearce was moved into an advanced wing-back role.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With World Cup qualification almost assured, carelessness began to take hold at Wembley. Wright and Ferdinand struggled <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">to gel</span></i>, Ince was being outnumbered in midfield, and passes went astray. As the crowd's <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">anxiety transmitted itself to the players</span></i>, it was Wright - the man who had most to prove in the absence of Shearer - who came alive. Racing through the Polish rearguard, he rifled past Bako with only six minutes remaining. Dutch hearts must have sunk even further just three minutes later, when Ferdinand's run and finish sealed crucial points for Hurrey's men. With Shearer set to lead the line against Holland a month later, however, Wright's heroics would mean little on an individual level.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />Before the showdown in Rotterdam, the Dutch faced the formality of a trip to San Marino. Manager Dick Advocaat was already fielding questions about England's goalscoring threat before the game, and Dutch complacency proved to be their undoing. An 88th-minute equaliser from Nicola Bacciocchi stunned Advocaat's men in Bologna. England now only needed a draw to stay ahead of the Dutch going into the final round of fixtures.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJfK0npPLXk" target="_blank">Holland vs England - October 1993</a></b><br /><br />A freak goal from Pearce after ten minutes gave England the best possible start - deep in his own half, Pearce's hopeful ball forward asked too much of Ferdinand, but took a wicked bounce of the turf and over de Goey. Five minutes later, Ferdinand pounced on a casual Dutch backpass and fired a left-foot shot past de Goey to double England's lead in scarcely believable scenes. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><br />The Dutch needed a stroke of good fortune and it came in the form of a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">howler </span></i>from Woods, who fumbled a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">speculative </span></i>Bergkamp <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">effort </span></i>into the net. Would England's stunning start now unravel? Three minutes later, the Dutch found an unlikely equaliser. Marco van Basten outmuscled Ince and curled a beauty past Woods, who this time was blameless in the face of an exquisite piece of skill. Ferdinand <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">saw yellow</span></i> for a crude challenge from behind on Wim Jonk as England began to rock. Bergkamp found space between England's defence and midfield and, just before half-time, curled another trademark shot past the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">despairing hands</span></i> of Woods. A fortunate 2-0 lead had turned into a shambolic 3-2 deficit before half-time, and top spot in Group 2 now <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">hung by a thread</span></i>. Van Basten put the Dutch out of sight in the second half with yet another pearler, and England slipped to second in the group.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKDh04AN-Us" target="_blank">San Marino vs England - November 1993</a></b><br /><br />Against San Marino in Bologna, England negotiated the all-important opening nine seconds, before wasting a number of good chances by almost literally <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">trying to walk the ball in</span></i>. Stuart Pearce broke the deadlock but all eyes were on events in Poznan, where England were hoping the Poles could do them a favour against Holland to keep alive hopes of topping the group. As <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">news filtered through</span></i> of Marek Lesniak giving Poland the lead, England fans took more notice of their <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">wireless radios</span></i> than the procession in front of them. Amid the distraction, Pesolini wrote his name into Sammarinese football history with a screamer past Woods to halve the deficit. Despite the Dutch developments, Hurrey scowled on the touchline as the San Marino players celebrated as if they themselves had secured qualification.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For the record, England ran out 3-1 winners - Luca Gobbi putting through his own net to restore their lead before Shearer fired home the third - but Lesniak's goal in Poznan had given England their biggest cheer of the night, sending them to the World Cup as group winners and surely, on the evidence of this campaign, as one of the favourites to lift the Jules Rimet trophy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Please hurry up, new football season - I've gone utterly Sensible.</span></div>
FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-42295853325131886732013-08-07T20:54:00.002+00:002013-08-07T21:02:49.490+00:00Player Power: Knowing Your Slaps From Your Slams<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-39944419145762676822013-06-17T14:30:00.002+00:002013-06-17T14:31:07.200+00:00Football Clichés on Today, BBC Radio 4 - 11th January 2013<div style="text-align: center;">
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FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-30752772559601437982013-05-16T21:34:00.002+00:002013-05-16T21:58:13.904+00:00Talks.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The talking's never over.</span></div>
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<br />FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-51949172705781139892013-05-13T18:53:00.000+00:002013-05-14T18:18:47.529+00:00Perpetual Motion: The Language of Movement in Football <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Tune into the soon-to-be-defunct ESPN Classic on any quiet evening and you'll notice very quickly just how slow football used to be. Any hint of panic would instantly be remedied with a prod of the ball back into <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the grateful hands</span></i> of a goalkeeper, who would punt the ball downfield at his leisure towards a lumbering no.9 (a proper <span style="color: #f1c232;"><i>old fashioned</i></span> one, of course, rather than the modern, false variety). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Then, in 1992, football's Big Bang occurred. A dull, cynical World Cup two years earlier had the game's lawmakers heading for the drawing board. It would be fascinating to discover the ideas that never made it onto the pitch, but the result of this enforced introspection was the single most important development in modern football history - the back-pass rule. Outlawing the handling of a deliberate pass to the goalkeeper made with the boot (amended in 1997 to also include throw-ins), the new directive transformed the dynamic of matches overnight, and followed the claim by FIFA's then General Secretary, Sepp Blatter, that "<i>spectators do not go to football matches simply to see the goalkeeper standing still with the ball in his hands</i>".</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ronaldo - no slouch. Although quite possibly now a slouch.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Over two decades later, the game is - with some notable Latin-country exceptions - overrun by players built like super middleweight boxers, possessing the pace of 100-metre Olympians and breathing with the respiratory capacity of a varsity rowing crew.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> For all the appreciation of skill and metronomic possession-hoarding, football is still a sucker for <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">pace </span></i>in any form - <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">searing</span></i>, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">lightning</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">,</span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;"> blistering </span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">and </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">explosive pace</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> (often "</span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">to burn</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"); </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">bags of pace</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> or </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">pace in abundance</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">; and the curious concepts of </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">real</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> or </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">genuine</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">pace</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, suggesting that some players might be carrying counterfeit (or perhaps </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">deceptive</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">) </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">pace</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. This perpetual motion has forced the football media to consult their thesauruses to find more nuanced ways of describing how a player propelled himself from A to B before he troubled </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">Row Z</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> The<i><span style="color: #f1c232;"> wide areas</span></i> of the pitch are the logical place to start, where <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">jet-heeled</span></i> wingers aim to give opposing full-backs as <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">torrid</span></i> a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">time </span></i>as possible. They may find, however, that their adversary is <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">no slouch</span></i> and he himself may need no invitation to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">bomb on</span></i>. The historically undersung full-back has been liberated by the era of gung ho-ism that the back-pass rule ushered in - they are now free to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">buccaneer</span></i>, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">maraud </span></i>or <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">swashbuckle </span></i>to their lungs' content, provided they are just as good<i><span style="color: #f1c232;"> going the other way</span></i>. Insipid games, conspicuous by their lack of dynamism, require pace to be <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">injected </span></i>into them, something that has so far escaped the suspicious eye of sport's doping authorities.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A provisional licence to roam.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> In amongst the power and bustle, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">diminutive </span></i>players must <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">jink </span></i>and <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">slalom </span></i>their way to success, although the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">mazy run</span></i> remains available to players of any dimension. Graceful playmakers are said to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">glide </span></i>across the turf, while defensive midfield dogsbodies merely <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">scuttle</span></i>, allowing their more attack-minded colleagues to apply for the coveted <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">licence to roam</span></i>. Space exists only to be <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">burst </span></i>into, front posts are always <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">darted </span></i>towards, while the back stick is the best place to indulge in a spot of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">ghosting in</span></i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> It's not all high-velocity stuff, however. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Trudging </span></i>(often <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">unrepentantly </span></i>so) is the frequent exit strategy of choice for red-carded players, while <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">nosebleed</span></i>-defying centre-halves tend to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">amble forward</span></i> for set-pieces. An injured player's movement is always closely monitored by TV co-commentators, who keep us updated on his freedom movement on a scale ranging from "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">gingerly</span></i>" to "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">moving a bit more freely now</span></i>".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> We have a lot to thank the back-pass rule for in creating a more dynamic sport, but spare a thought for the poor goalkeepers who have been <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">scampering</span></i>, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">backpedalling </span></i>and<i><span style="color: #f1c232;"> on-rushing</span></i> their way out of their comfort zones - and often into <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">no man's land</span></i> - ever since 1992. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-35924927269436664372013-05-02T16:36:00.000+00:002013-05-02T16:37:22.361+00:00Pseudoscience: All Filler, No Killer<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Visualised: 57 years of FA Cup Final pre-match build-up. That's two-hundred and eighty-two hours and forty-five minutes of talking about how magnificent Wembley's hallowed turf is, foreign players claiming to have watched finals while crowded round a small TV in their village, and painfully shy 5-year-old being asked for their score prediction.</span></div>
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<br />FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-52461282609006757992013-04-12T22:43:00.000+00:002013-08-21T23:46:51.180+00:00Obscure Football Fetishes<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You and I watch a hell of a lot of top-level football these days. </span><br />
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The Premier League's vain attempt to clamp down on internet streams of its 3pm Saturday kick-offs was destined for failure, and even the illicit thrill of that forbidden fruit has started to wear off. Now, any supporter of a top-flight club who has the patience to click on the hundred or so minuscule Xs to get the adverts out of the way (isn't it amazing just how many above-average looking single women live in my area and would like to chat right at that very moment?), can enjoy each and..........[buffering - please wait]....every game in the comfort of their own mid-afternoon filth. Even Tony Gale's co-commentary-by-numbers isn't enough to switch off the laptop and watch normal telly.</span><br />
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If you're lucky enough to be too busy for that, there's always <a href="http://www.101greatgoals.com/" target="_blank">101 Great Goals</a> on hand to provide the day's goals (but, oddly, often only the replays of them) courtesy of Russian TV coverage. By 10.25pm, you're laughing in the face of the newsreader who warns you that the scores are about to be reported, and contemplating not bothering with Match of the Day because your team were held to a pixellated 1-1 draw at home to West Brom and you've seen that 35-yard <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">goal-of-the-season contender</span></i> in the Southampton game on a mobile goals app.</span><br />
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What I'm trying to say here is that we're watching too much football. When was the last time you were genuinely awe-struck in a televised game? Zlatan Ibrahimovic's long-range jujitsu goal against England, perhaps. Players are arguably more technically gifted than ever before - and certainly stronger and faster - but the crucial mystique factor has been diminished. The 1990s drip-feed of foreign talent - when we could only catch a glimpse of Serie A's finest by either watching <i>Gazzetta Football Italia</i> on Saturday mornings or playing <i>Championship Manager Italia</i> morning, noon and night - is unthinkable now, for there's a <i>clasico </i>somewhere on the planet every other night.</span><br />
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To find unique stimulation through football, one is forced to go the fringes*. In among the Ronaldo-style free-kicks and the false nines, small glimpses and moments exist that remind you why you really love football more than pretty much anything else. Some are noticed by only a fortunate few, m</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">ost of them are inconsequential, </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">but all retain a certain charm that a thousand Lionel Messi hat-tricks could only dream of. They are football's fetishes.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>1. The ball hitting the corner flag and staying in play</b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> - The ball remaining on the pitch is crucial here. Simply hitting the corner flag and going out for a corner or a throw-in will simply not do. That such a flimsy thing can provide such resistance is central to the appeal of this truly unexpected phenomenon.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">2. A goalkeeper taking a throw-in</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> - The reclusive uncle in the family of goalkeeping fish-out-of-water novelties, appearing only in the dying moments of games where the trailing side really want to get on with it. It's so rare that 1) </span><a href="http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100118120140AAkEeK2" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;" target="_blank"><b>some people are unsure</b></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> if it's even permitted within the Laws of the Game; and 2) there doesn't seem to be any footage of it happening on YouTube. And <i>why would</i> there be a video on YouTube of a goalkeeper taking a throw-in? </span><br />
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Here, though - have a video of Bruce Springsteen-a-gram Dean Saunders aiming a quickly-taken foul throw at a visibly panicking goalkeeper who's <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">gone walkabout</span></i>:</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">3. A manager (ideally in a suit) controlling the ball when it goes out of play</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> - A curiously popular spectacle</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. Despite the obvious handicap of wearing a tailored suit and gripless, shiny shoes, these managers are usually former players of relative quality - their ability to trap a football shouldn't come as a surprise. Still, as the ball flies towards them</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, out pops a nonchalant brogue to kill the ball dead, to the delight of their fans. Even a mere flick-up will elicit a ripple of "waaaaeeeeyyyy!" from the stands. </span><br />
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Or, if you're Dragan Stojkovic, volleying into the net from fully 50 yards:</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">4. A shot hitting both posts</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> - </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBBnKu5bnCE" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;" target="_blank"><b>Tony Yeboah</b></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> helped establish that a goal scored off the underside of the bar will trump anything else, but that is a base thrill for the masses. Now, a shot that hits </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">both posts</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and goes in? Luxury.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Look at the England players. Look at Thomas Ravelli. Look at the fans. Look at the cameraman! Absolutely nobody has any idea what's happening in those two rollercoaster seconds, but it contains more drama than a whole decade of midday Midland derby kick-offs on Sky.</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">5. A shot hitting the camera/microphone/drinks bottle</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> - There are two flavours available for this. The first is the drilled shot into the corner, finding a </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=1ZnWnFA8Cxw#t=413s" target="_blank">tucked-away piece of equipment</a> </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">and </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=TN1kCpEtsIo#t=16s" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">sending it flying</a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, thereby adding a final flourish to an already emphatic finish. The other is the wayward shot, </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=1qf9qi8Q1tg#t=23s" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;" target="_blank"><b>that arrows towards a pitchside camera</b></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> in slow-motion replays in a manner not unlike Jaws in his box-office flop of a third, 3D outing. </span><br />
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You want it to happen, though. Some replayed shots look like they might hit the camera lens dead centre, but eventually veer off and disappoint. Next time...</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">6. Indirect free-kicks in the area</span> </span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">- A two-stage release of excitement. Firstly, the relatively obscure offence itself, nowadays limited to a goalkeeper handling a backpass. The roar of appeal from the crowd is followed by a murmur, as everyone realises what's now in store. </span><br />
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Then, the defensive wall retreats to the goal-line, which is especially good if the kick is less than ten yards from goal. The taker teases us all with his lay-off, while a host of potential and decoy deliverers of a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">howitzer </span></i>lie in wait. The crowd expect a goal, even though there's no room to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">get it up and over the wall</span></i>, but they know there's only one way in - brute force.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">7. 100 minutes on the clock</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> - When a player goes down injured, causing </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">real concern</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and requiring lengthy treatment, few think of the far-reaching ramifications. Later, however, when the second most important </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">statistic in the top left-hand corner of the screen</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> ticks over to 98:00, the anticipation begins to simmer. Will there be space for it? Will there be a Millennium Bug-style catastrophe? Will those cup-tie extra-time practice drills finally pay off?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Just me, then.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">8. A player losing a boot</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> - Not so much exciting as curious. It looks like it shouldn't be allowed. It didn't affect </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=LrHKxdX4Qgo#t=101s" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;" target="_blank"><b>Paul Gascoigne in his pomp</b></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, but India took it a little bit far by opting to play barefoot at the 1948 Olympics, forcing the FIFA killjoys to swiftly ban the practice. </span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">9. A commentator starting an interesting-sounding back-story, before being interrupted - </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I did say these were obscure. Football commentators pride themselves in their extensive pre-match research - beyond winning streaks and pass completion, they often unearth a gem of an anecdote or back-story about a player, which they are intent on regaling as the match unfolds. It's usually introduced with the words "interesting story about [Player X] actually, he...", at which point we're all sitting comfortably. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Unfortunately, some actual football gets in the way and the commentator is abruptly torn away from his Jackanory moment. The longer the interruption, the more you fear that the commentator will forget to finish his (possibly apocryphal) tale, until the blessed relief when it finally resumes. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=au0YthcBGUg#t=330s" target="_blank"><b>When it's the increasingly scatter-brained John Motson</b></a>, the will-he-won't-he suspense is almost unbearable.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">10. Sponsorless shirts</span></b><br />
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The first time sponsorless shirts became such a glaring oddity was when British sides, whose kits often sported the logos of various tipples of thirsty hooligans, <a href="http://www.assetstorage.co.uk/AssetStorageService.svc/GetImageFriendly/721232066/700/700/0/0/1/80/ResizeBestFit/0/PressAssociation/F14C63E2469E5CBB0EB7EA3273EBF2BF/soccer-european-champions-league-rangers-v-marseille.jpg" target="_blank"><b>ventured to France for European ties</b></a>. Like Rangers in 1992/93, Real Madrid (whose betting website sponsors weren't welcome in Istanbul when they faced Galatasaray in last season's Champions League quarter-finals) saw their kit blossom with sheer simple beauty when stripped of their ungainly emblem. </span><br />
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Apart from lending an 80s minimalism to the shirt designs, the unfamiliarity of the kit has harked back to that journey-into-the-unknown aspect of away legs that the widely-televised homogeneity of modern European football has all but killed off.</span><br />
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It's the little things, you see.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Yes, I know, I could go and watch my local team. In my case it's Brentford, chasing promotion from League One and, in the friendly quadra-pub confines of Griffin Park, playing some allegedly excellent football in the process. But still charging more than £20 to witness it.</span></span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-69702235138265145842013-02-09T10:37:00.000+00:002013-02-09T10:37:58.936+00:00Guest Post - Getting the Right Man In: Journeys on the Managerial Merry-Go-Round<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #cccccc;"><a href="https://twitter.com/danielstorey85" target="_blank">Daniel Storey</a>, of Football365 and Sky Sports, deconstructs football's recruitment processes...</span></i></b><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>The Chase</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Firstly, it would be foolish to even attempt to recruit a new manager without drawing up a shortlist </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">of names.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The recruitment process is a two-way street. Managers (who should more readily be referred to </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">as <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">gaffers </span></i>or <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">bosses</span></i>) can submit their CVs into the club, and it is usual for a chairman to announce </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">the exact numbers of applications received – “<i>Look how popular our job is!!!</i>" they almost boast. A new </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">PR tactic is to also release a feel-good news story about an application received from a six-year-old </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">child, written in crayon (or from a Football Manager addict). In response, some will remark that “<i>he’d </i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>probably do a better job than </i>[insert hapless previous incumbent]".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is no specific job site for football managers, but luckily they can all be found at the fairground </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">on the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Managerial Merry-Go-Round™</span></i>, where average bosses can flutter their eyelashes at onlooking </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">clubs. Seasoned managers know that stepping or climbing onto and from the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">MMGR </span></i>is amateur: </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">one must hop on/off.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Selection</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One of the perks of being a football manager is that they can throne themselves in a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">managerial hotseat</span></i>. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">While this has no connotation of temperature, we know only too well that a bad run will see them </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">feeling the heat</span></i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The cliché used upon appointment depends largely on the type of manager. Experienced or ageing </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">players are <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">journeymen</span></i>, of course, but a journeyman manager is rare, usually instead referred to as a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">wise </span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">old head</span></i>. If his appointment is underwhelming, he will inevitably have "<i>a point to prove</i>". Young managers,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">meanwhile, will be fresh-faced or fearless - some may even warrant "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">breath of fresh air</span></i>" status.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A returning manager will have <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">unfinished business</span></i>, and rather bizarrely aim to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">pick up where </span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">they left off</span></i>. Given that they ‘left off’ by leaving the club, this could surely lead to a weird cycle </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">of rejoining and leaving. The use of "<i>coming home</i>" depends </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">largely on the self-inflated opinion the individual has of his popularity.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Reveal</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">While new players are <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">presented </span></i>to or <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">paraded </span></i>in front of the media, managers are <b>always </b><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">unveiled</span></i>, like a priceless Greek statue. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The owner or chairman of the club will attempt to persuade cynics that the new boss is the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">right </span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">man for the job</span></i> and will be looking to "<i>take the club forward</i>". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The manager will then speak, and will almost immediately state that the job was too good to turn </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">down (some may even go as far as to say that "<i>it ticked all the right boxes</i>"). Whether this refers to the </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">club or his financial recompense is left unsaid. The club will be referred to as exciting and ambitious, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">but the greatest praise is reserved for the "<i>passionate fans</i>" (these are, of course, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the twelfth man</span></i>). For "</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>passionate</i>", we can read ‘hopelessly addicted’ (sorry, that should read <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">long-suffering</span></i>).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Initially, the aim will be to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">put down a marker </span></i>but the use of feet will become evident and crucial - <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">p</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">utting your foot down</span></i> can be interchanged with <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">stamping one’s authority</span></i>, all in an </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">attempt to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">hit the ground running</span></i>, although in this last case feet may be replaced by wings to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">get off </span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">to a flyer</span></i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Finally, new managers leave the press conference to enjoy their <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">honeymoon period</span></i> which </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">will be declared over </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">immediately after the first piece of bad news</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">. One hopes that they can at least rely on an <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">upturn in </span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">fortunes</span></i> hailed as the "new manager effect", a mathematical formula that ensures that the manager </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">will win his first game in charge.</span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-86822204575335567842013-02-06T23:55:00.001+00:002013-02-08T10:03:48.803+00:00A Brief History of Dubbing<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Some football clichés appear to be invented by a secret committee - not unlike the shady Dubious Goals Panel - who are referred to only as "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">they</span></i>". "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Never go back, they say</span></i>", erm, they say. Nobody listens. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">they</span></i>" are also responsible for football's obsession with <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">dubbing</span></i>. Not the dubbing that cruelly denied John Wark his only line in <i>Escape to Victory</i>, but rather that of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">dubbing </span></i>(or, alternatively, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">hailing</span></i>) a player with some <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=football+%22dubbed+the+new%22" target="_blank">unhelpfully comparative praise</a>.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a-hUEHbSwr8/URLs7Lyj2EI/AAAAAAAAAgo/meFVoEXceMA/s1600/alidia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a-hUEHbSwr8/URLs7Lyj2EI/AAAAAAAAAgo/meFVoEXceMA/s1600/alidia.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://footballcliches.spreadshirt.co.uk/they-have-dubbed-me-the-new-ali-dia-A21724136/customize/color/231" target="_blank">They Have Dubbed Me "The New Ali Dia" - buy the T-shirt here</a></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The New Maradona</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The most frequent act of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">dubbing</span></i>, so much so that it has <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Maradona" target="_blank">its own dedicated Wikipedia page</a>. The threshold for required similarity to the original Maradona is rather low, hence (apologies here, #footballhipsters) the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">dubbing </span></i>of Juan Román Riquelme and, rather puzzlingly, that of former Middlesbrough <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">starlet </span></i>Carlos Marinelli. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Lionel Messi has faced many understandable questions about his <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">New Maradona</span></i> dubbage, often choosing to laugh them off or at least acknowledge the flattery (footballers are often <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">flattered by</span></i> speculation, a quaint Jane Austen-esque football cliché) but it won't be long before The New Messis emerge to endure similar fawning.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Maradona of...</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is a much more creative alternative to the previous act of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">dubbing</span></i>, with a dash of humility too - this player, it implies, may not be Maradona's equal but, well, he's the best we can come up with, yeah? The list of Diego's regional variations is almost endless, but here are some highlights, listed in ascending order of absurdity:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Gheorghe Hagi - The Maradona of the Carpathians - understandable, and deservedly grand-sounding.</span></li>
<li><em style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Emre Belözoğlu</span></em><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: white;"> </span>- The Maradona of the Bosphorus - already pushing it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Saeed Al-Owairan - The Maradona of the Arabs - thanks to some <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8w89sl7Grc" target="_blank">pathetic Belgian defending</a>.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ali Karimi - The Maradona of Asia - bestowing dubmanship of an entire continent is just poor form.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ostrava's Maradona - Milan Baros - Who? WHO dubbed him this?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Alan Judge - The Irish Messi - <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Terrace wit</span></i> is to blame here, it seems.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Luciana Aymar - The Maradona of Hockey - Oh for f...</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cristian Levis - </span><a href="http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/70773/The-Maradona-of-Basingstoke.html" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">The Maradona of Basingstoke</a></li>
</ul>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Football is fond of flogging a dead horse (often to the tune of Sloop John B), and less glamorous dubbings are to be found everywhere. Ipswich Town signed <span style="line-height: 16px;">Veliče </span><em style="font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;">Šumulikoski in 2008, their fans appetite whetted by his billing as "the Macedonian Steven Gerrard", although a penchant for frequently overhit crossfield passes was never established. Gianluca Vialli is attributed, perhaps libellously, with hailing new winger Gabriele Ambrosetti as "the Italian Ryan Giggs" during his time at Chelsea. Nowadays, the act of dubbing/hailing has rather lost its value, so keen are we to unearth The Next Gareth Bale before the original one reaches his mid-twenties.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><em style="background-color: black; font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;"><br /></em></span>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">Elsewhere, more poetic dubbings can be found. In a rare act of dub-on-dub violence, the old Maradona was a notable victim of </span></span><span style="line-height: 19.1875px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Andoni Goikoetxea, who earned himself the fearsome moniker of The Butcher of Bilbao. The similarly uncompromising and no-nonsense Miguel Ángel Nadal was dubbed the "Beast of Barcelona", which was perhaps a bit much. Even football matches, such as the infamous <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Santiago" target="_blank">Battle of Santiago</a>, are not safe from the dubbers.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yours in cliché,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The Brian Glanville of Zone 3.</span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-58324226703740654582013-01-27T22:47:00.002+00:002013-02-07T23:54:18.701+00:00Football P - P The Weather: A Pseudo-Meteorological Study<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Weather is a lot like football. It's a complex subject, often reduced to lazy clichés by </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">those who don't understand it but really enjoy looking at it. Of course, we don't boo when it rains nor do we consider it a <a href="https://twitter.com/search/realtime?q=%23nicetouch" target="_blank">#nicetouch</a> if the sun pops out at a convenient moment, but we do Instagram our snow and we'll always have a little gasp (yes, even you) when we hear thunder. Why are big, dark clouds always "ominous"? Erm, anyway...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sun</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The hope-filled opening day of the season apart, blazing sunshine does not constitute "perfect conditions" for any sane footballer. From bone-dry Sunday league pitches accommodating dehydrated huffers-and-puffers, right up to finely-tuned elite athletes being forced to <strike>drink lots</strike> <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">take on fluids</span></i>, British footballers are often seen to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">wilt </span></i>in any significant heat.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">World Cup USA '94 set a benchmark for thermoactivated football drama, with the red faces of dubious holders of Irish passports sharing centre-stage with a range of amusing baseball caps:</span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="236" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/X_0ZEh6LPnA" width="315"></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Pitchside thermometers suddenly pop up out of nowhere at these points, while the metric system goes out of the wind<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">ow - 100</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">°</span><em style="font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;">F sounds much more dramatic than 37.8</em><span style="line-height: 16px;">°C, after all.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Rain</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Much more conducive to exciting football, rain is responsible for a suitably plentiful supply of football clichés. Light rain makes for a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">greasy </span></i>pitch (or <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">playing surface</span></i>, as it should be known whenever under particular scrutiny), upon which the ball is able to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">zip </span></i>around. Goalkeepers must be tested by shots that "pick up pace" as they skid across the turf, thereby defying basic physics. Players wearing the wrong boots (sorry, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">footwear</span></i>), however, will only be allowed to slip over (sorry, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">lose their footing</span></i>) once before the co-commentator fulfils his obligation of sternly policing such matters, often involving a semi-tirade on the "state of these modern boots these days". </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IsWjxclrUwI/UQWl3VVF16I/AAAAAAAAAgU/Wv6spZbjOi8/s1600/stoke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IsWjxclrUwI/UQWl3VVF16I/AAAAAAAAAgU/Wv6spZbjOi8/s640/stoke.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Fig 1.0 - the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">cold, wet Wednesday night in Stoke</span></i>.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Heavier downpours edge proceedings closer to farce. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Farcical </span></i>conditions (much like an early red card) are a fatal threat to <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the game as a spectacle</span></i>. If the heavens open sufficiently before kick-off, an anxious wait is required while the referee completes his emphatic routine of dropping the ball onto the sodden turf while a committee of sighing/chuckling* club officials (*delete according to fixture congestion) congregate in the centre-circle. While the finer details about the potential risks of sanctioning a game in such conditions are rarely explored - drowning, presumably, isn't one of them - it is unanimously agreed that <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the safety of the players is paramount</span></i>.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Snow</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It all sounds so violent in the winter months. The Big Freeze</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">™</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> annually <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">plays havoc with the fixture list</span></i> - and frequently <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">decimates </span></i>it - as matches <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">fall victim to</span></i> (or <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">fall foul of</span></i>) the cold snap taking hold up and down the country.</span><br />
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<img height="336" src="http://c3333424.r24.cf0.rackcdn.com/8eb772122eb6bfce202ac077428cac2d6dda16de.jpg__620x326_q85_crop_upscale.jpg" width="640" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Fig 2.0 - the rarely-seen orange ball (beloved of <i>Actua Soccer</i> enthusiasts). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Heartwarming moments remain, such as the sight of the orange ball (greeted with the same amount of delight as when a goalkeeper goes up for a </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">corner) or the lauding of local volunteers and ground staff - </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">again, the job of the patronising co-commentator - </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">as they <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">do everything to get this game on</span></i>. Unfortunately, though, it's not the playing surface that's the problem - it's those damned, "treacherous" roads around the ground (or the approach roads, if it's modern, out-of-town Lego stadiums in question.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Even if the game is allowed to go ahead, the problems aren't over. The low winter sun, the stealthiest and least-documented of modern football's dilemmas, makes life difficult for cap-averse goalkeepers and spoilt armchair fans alike.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Stay safe out there, you hardy souls.</span></div>
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FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-89123955847308215702013-01-09T23:08:00.000+00:002013-09-26T00:13:38.802+00:00How to Co-Commentate.<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The French call them "consultants", in Italy they provide the </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">commento tecnico</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, while in Scandinavia they're known as "expert commentators". </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ostensibly, co-commentators are employed for their inside knowledge but, more often than not, they </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">appear to be masters in the art of stating the bleeding obvious. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There's not much chance of you becoming a co-commentator if you don't have a regional accent and haven't had a <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">journeyman </span></i>career in and around the top flight. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">However, if you do possess the relevant qualifications, you may be interested in a step-by-step guide to your new career. These instructions will prepare you for any scenario or eventuality that requires your verbal intervention. What to say, how to say it and what not to say - it's all here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Firstly, you're allowed to rely on clichés. You're not the experienced, slick media professional who's sat alongside you in the gantry. You can refer to an untidy challenge as "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">six and two threes</span></i>" (if you're feeling adventurous) or suggest a player has "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">if anything, hit that too well</span></i>" as the ball rockets over the bar. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All slow-motion replays are your territory. It's your job to confirm if the shot got a nick on its way through or if the goalkeeper did, in fact, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">get fingertips</span></i> to it. Committing to a call before you see the replay is done at your own risk; if the replay proves you wrong, you'll need to awkwardly dig your heels in and refuse to concede defeat. The most dignified way of doing this is to admit some slight wrongdoing, but not enough to warrant a penalty/free-kick. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Minimal contact</span></i>? A <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">coming-together</span></i>? Nothing in it. After a while, you'll be oblivious to just how annoying this is for your viewers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Offside decisions? If it's close, but you can actually tell whether it's offside or not, just say it's "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">borderline</span></i>" or "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">touch and go</span></i>". Don't use the visual tools at your disposal to decide one way or the other - that's not what the viewers want at all. What about that tackle, then? <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Clumsy more than anything</span></i>. Don't forget the "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">more than anything</span></i>" suffix here - no-one will prompt you to expand on what that "anything" actually is, lest you slander the player by mentioning exactly what it was that his tackle wasn't. While the game flows, it is the co-commentator's responsibility to keep an eye on any injured players and provide updates on their freedom of movement, on a vague scale ranging from "gingerly" to "much better now". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"...<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">for me</span></i>." Keep that ready for really desperate moments where you've been made to look stupid, but want to at least spare your fellow commentator from ridicule. I mean, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">it's a game of opinions</span></i>, right? Don't worry too much about research, though. Sky Sports regular Alan Smith, for example, relies on a watertight formula of size + nationality to demonstrate his knowledge of the top players, be they big Belgians or little Spaniards.</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BAkqmZV0W38/UkN7-Ov7BZI/AAAAAAAAAxY/ftOggyTglZU/s1600/motson460.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BAkqmZV0W38/UkN7-Ov7BZI/AAAAAAAAAxY/ftOggyTglZU/s320/motson460.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Keep it light-hearted when appropriate. Make jokes about your own playing career, your lax attitude to training, or the commentator's playing ability. Or his age -go on, joke about how he'll be able to remember that far back when he mentions something that happened a long time ago! But avoid the temptation of Lawrensonesque over-quipping - this isn't <i>Come Dine With Me</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Right, ten minutes in - which team has <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">made the brighter start</span></i>? It's the question on everybody's lips. If you can't work it out, just say they're "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">cancelling each</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;"> </span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">other out</span></i>" so far. Or the markedly creepier-sounding "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">feeling each other out</span></i>". </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Have the bookies' favourites "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">got going yet</span></i>"? "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Not getting going</span></i>" is easy to spot - they need to have failed to open the scoring. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">20 minutes </span></i>is the magic benchmark - if the underdog hasn't conceded in this <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">all-important</span></i> window, everything is going to be fine. Except you've shifted the goalposts for them - now they need to get to half-time. Speaking of which, you must become an amateur psychologist just before the break and judge which manager <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">will be the happier</span></i> of the two.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sometimes, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the most important statistic</span></i> <b>isn't </b><i><span style="color: #f1c232;">in the top left-hand corner of our screens</span></i>. When you're really struggling for an angle, up will pop the possession stats for the preceding 5-10 minutes. "<i>Look at that!</i>" you can exclaim, as we all do just that. Tell us whether that's what we could have expected or not. Later on, we'll see the epic two-part drama of the shots/shots on target statistics. The sheer tension as we wait to see how many of those 12 shots actually <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">troubled the goalkeeper</span></i>. A player shoots over the bar - he was <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">leaning back</span></i>. They always are.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Around five times a game, you'll be called upon to offer us The Bigger Picture as the commentator nips away to the loo. Halfway through the first half, on the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">stroke of half-time</span></i>, the start of the second period, on the <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">hour mark</span></i>, and in the <span style="color: #f1c232;"><i>dying moments</i></span> - you'll need to sum up what you've seen so far. Has it been <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">a classic</span></i>? Has one manager asked his team for "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">more of the same</span></i>" in this second 45? As the time ticks on, will the other manager be <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">thinking of a change</span></i>? You can slide your way in to your observation, as the play enters a lull, with a wistful sigh that informs the viewer that you're about to offer your lengthy views on the action so far. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Do not describe players as short or slow - that's rude. They're "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">not the tallest</span></i>" or "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">not the quickest</span></i>". </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why on earth co-commentators feel the need to shield the (obviously otherwise unsuspecting) public from the physical deficiencies of footballers is beyond comprehension. Is it some sort of PFA membership-inspired solidarity? Is it in fact a well-disguised challenge to Usain Bolt or the world's tallest man, Turkish part-time farmer Sultan Kösen, t</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">o take up football? Does Kösen</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> have <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">a good touch for a big man</span></i>? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Congratulations, you're now a fully-trained peer of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">the </span></i>Andy Townsend<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i>, Jim Beglin<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i>, Gerry Armstrong<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i>, Davie Provan<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i> and Alan Smith<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s</span></i> <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">of this world</span></i>. You're a combination of amateur comedian, psychoanalyst, anatomist and ex-footballer. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Perhaps it's not the easiest job in the world after all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8166729823780573536.post-40568193730475591822013-01-06T23:06:00.000+00:002013-01-06T23:06:39.172+00:00Where Are the New Clichés?<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Like goalkeepers, we don't seem to be <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">producing </span></i>clichés <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">in the same numbers</span></i> any more. Or are we?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What is a football cliché? It can be a single word (<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">derisory</span></i>, for example), a phrase ("<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">if anything, he's hit that too well...</span></i>"), any vague concept of widely-received wisdom ("They're guilty of <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">trying to walk the ball in</span></i> like Arsenal!"), something visual (that grimace on a striker's face after he's shot wildly over the bar with a teammate in a better position) or simply behavioural (fans applauding instinctively when a defender completes a basic header back to his goalkeeper, under no pressure.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">New candidates for cliché have to endure a certain period of overuse before they can qualify as such, as well as being overwhelmingly true, or widely believed to be so. In the past, this process could have taken years or decades. The now-antiquated concept of a second period of 45 minutes being starkly contrasted with the first has gone through the entire lifespan of a football cliché, and is now the black dwarf in the many galaxies of received wisdom. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As the discussion of football proliferates, compared to the 20th century at least, this process is perhaps accelerated. It is only recently that <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Stoke </span></i>usurped Rochdale as the unpleasantly inclement midweek venue, zonal marking has been taking a bashing for as long as someone noticed it, players over six feet tall have always had their deftness of touch questioned but never have they managed to confound these doubters as they do now. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Corridors of uncertainty</span></i> arrived on loan from the cricket world with a view to a permanent transfer, sometime in the 1990s, while <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">taking on fluids</span></i> became the new drinking in c.1994, as pitch-level temperatures soared at the World Cup in the USA.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The 140-character limit of Twitter accommodates new phrases, in much the same way as the space-starved Ceefax and Teletext once did. Examples such as "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">nice touch</span></i>" or "<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">classy</span></i>", snappy ways of expressing your approval for a moment of footballing decency (however sickly sweet), are on the rise. The cringeworthy latter quality is now conspicuous by its absence, with high-horse-riding guardians urging miscreants to "stay classy" whenever a ill-judged press release threatens to unmask a club as morally bankrupt. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Footballers are trendsetters, and the moment they hashtag something, it's gift-wrapped for their following millions. Ashley Cole's glorious #BUNCHOFTWATS entered the football lexicon, mainly for purposes of lampoonery, as football fans now seek to inject humour (to varying degrees of success) into a notoriously straight-faced national sport. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Twitter jokes/gifs/photoshops are now the language of the modern fan, with every possible celebratory scenario that John Terry could gatecrash now crudely mocked up for "the lolz". Retweets can help propagate a new cliché, in the same way that bloke in the pub repeating something about Teddy Sheringham's relative lack of pace that he'd garnered from Football Focus the week before managed to osmose into anyone within earshot in 1993.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Worldy" - a term originating in the playing community, meaning "world beater" - has caught on, often abbreviated further to simply "world" whenever a goal or save should warrant such incredulous praise. "Big" Ron Atkinson <a href="http://www.dangerhere.com/ronglish.htm" target="_blank">attempted to introduce his own set of catchphrases</a> in the mid-90s, some of which managed to prevail, while "tekkers" looks set to withstand the backlash and dig its heels in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">No terrace wit may be delivered to a tune other than that of the Beach Boys' dreary "Sloop John B", thanks to Liverpool's fifth European triumph and Phil Brown's Hull avoiding the drop. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The minute's applause was born out of sheer mistrust towards <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">a small minority of idiots</span></i> to immaculately observe a minute's silence and has become commonplace. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Dr Richard Steadman</span></i> earned a reputation as the most clichéd medical professional the game has ever seen, but has had a quiet last couple of years, possibly since the Serbian horse placenta woman arrived on the scene.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the pitch, <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">waving the imaginary card</span></i> is still the latest established hand-signal you'll see. Giant circular hand movements to indicate that a tackle won the ball are a product of the TV-aware era of players, as is the outwardly-rotating double claw to signify an opponent has dived. A forefinger from each hand cycled with the other has denoted the need for a substitution for decades now, while referees imploring players to turn straight round at half-time of extra time predates <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiBYM6g8Tck" target="_blank">the Macarena</a> by many years. Pointing to the sky after a goal is a recent melodramatic development, as footballer's tragic personal lives become our business whether any of us wish it to be. Disappearing from view is the shirt-name point, usually with both thumbs while turned away from the crowd, possibly to avoid being instructed to "stay classy". There is no indication as to what the next hand-signal will be, but if goal-line technology is introduced, a TV-screen gesture (similar to cricket/rugby officials) may become quickly popular with players with an easily-triggered sense of injustice.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The more tactically-aware football supporter now knows what a false nine is. Everyone now plays 4-3-3 (or a corruption of it, all <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">turning into a 4-5-1 without the ball</span></i>) up and down the country, much like the mid-90s saw an obsession with 3-5-2, or the 2000s and the seemingly neverending search for Claude Makélélé clones in defensive midfield berths. <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">Diminutive </span></i>Spaniards ferreting behind a lone striker are now the flavour of this decade. Perhaps full-backs will soon become more tactically significant than ever before, which may spell bad news for the more <i><span style="color: #f1c232;">agricultural </span></i>Andy Wilkinson<i><span style="color: #f1c232;">s of this world</span></i>, but Southampton's Luke Shaw may find himself hot property.</span>FootballClichéshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13495253216114840818noreply@blogger.com8