Euro 2008 in Cliche - Part Two

Germany 2 Poland 0

When it comes to clichés in international football, there is perhaps no more fertile ground than The Germans.

Each tournament begins with assertion that ‘this is the worst German team ever’, who are then promptly installed as favourites amidst dire warnings that you ‘write them off at your peril’.

Poland, for their part, steadfastly stick to their allotted role in life of qualifying with consummate ease for the finals before turning into the tournament's whipping boys.

Austria 0 Croatia 1

A tough one for our pundits, as Austria are probably the most non-descript footballing nation Europe could produce. As for Croatia – people who hadn’t picked Spain as their dark horse will no doubt have settled for them. Any subsequent win for Croatia against any other major nation (say, perhaps, a 2-1 win against The Germans last night) will be hailed as an upset and an announcement that Croatia have arrived on the world stage. Now, even allowing for the political upheaval in that region in recent times, it's safe to say that Croatian football has enough of a pedigree to avoid such patronising bullshit.

Portugal 2 Turkey 0

Portugal seem fine with having a foreigner as their manager from a former colony. Quite what the reaction of the Daily Mail's Jeff Powell would be if the FA appointed Bruce Arena as England manager, despite his brilliant name, God only knows. Since the lazily-titled Golden Generation have all hung up their boots, Portugal have actually become quite good at tournaments.

Turkey have the benefit of their 2002 world cup performance to make them tricky customers, all despite having Tuncay as their main striker.

Switzerland 0 Czech Republic 1

After the mindnumbing banality of the opening ceremony, the actual tournament kicked off with the Swiss. If only they had drawn, it would have finished this round-up quite nicely. It wasn’t to be, however, as the Czechs always fancied scraping a win - which begged the question of when Czechoslovakia was one nation, did all the good players still come from the Czech side?

Coxie.

Euro 2008 in Cliche - Part One

Torrential rain is never a good omen and so it proved last night for Switzerland. One of the most memorable performances in the wet was provided by a team with a Kanu in their side as the (alleged) 23-year-old danced around Chelsea's Ed de Goey and slammed in a hat-trick winner for Arsenal back in 1999.

Sadly for those commentators and pundits with a nice line in earnestness, there are no African players to, at best, patronise and, at worst, racially abuse at the European Championships. Fortunately, Europe is diverse enough, with enough feudal lines to keep a Euro 2008 pundit in lazy national stereotypes for an entire month.

The first round of group matches largely failed to give our pundits the performance or results to match their predictions – which were either based on stereotype, number of Premiership-based players or how they performed when they were last seen two years ago in the World Cup.

The Angle... looks at the first group matches to see the laziness in action.

Greece 0 Sweden 2

The animosity towards Greece’s victory four years ago still hasn’t abated. Packed full of players with ‘heh-heh - rather you than me, John' surnames who remain resolutely unrecognisable and the lack of a significant Hellenic influx to the Premiership has led to a subconscious resentment of the Greeks for exposing all pundits' lack of knowledge. Despite a platoon of Greek journalists at the tournament, not one of BBC or ITV's ‘experts’ have the foggiest idea of who they are.

In contrast, the ease at which Swedes "adapt to the pace of the Premier League" means they are firm media favourites, with Jim Beglin stating "I know we’re impartial but I want Sweden to win", suggesting the bitterness still remains and revealing a tenuous grasp of the meaning of "impartial".

Spain 4 Russia 1

As Russia qualified in place of dear old England, there is a belief that they must be some sort of superteam of footballing magicians with a real chance of winning Euro 2008. All that their game with Spain highlighted was quite how rubbish England had performed in qualifying.

Spain - or to give them their full name Perennial Underachievers Spain - have taken their normal place as dark horses despite being second favourites with the bookies. Another indicator of England’s real standing in international football was the raising of eyebrows when Fabregas was named as a substitute - a player that, even if unable to merrily walk into the England team, would certainly be shoehorned in at left wing. The Spanish have slightly different ideas and simply played their best pairing in central midfield despite neither them playing in the Premier League.

Holland 3 Italy 0

The Dutch have a lot to answer for. Their tuneful band of trumpeters dressed in orange, who give a nice dimension to international tournament atmosphere, has spawned the self-appointed England Band who witlessly drone their way through a repertoire of England 'til I Die, The Great Escape and back to England 'til I Die.

They made up for it, despite the curious colour of their socks, with an impressive display against Italy, leaving pundits to wonder whether it will all fall apart after the customary training-ground bust-up.

Italy have given the pundits a massive headache. Now they appear unable to defend, it has robbed pundits of good few minutes of waffle about what only Bolo Zenden was able to pronounce: catenaccio. But it's OK, anyway - Italy are notorious slow starters.

France 0 Romania 0

Again, eyebrows were raised as a former Premier League player (who has been injured for two years) was left on the bench – in place of a younger, fitter forward who scored more goals last season. Fortunately, Benzema has been on the radar due to Man United’s interest, so our pundits had at least heard of him.

The Romanians, much like the Greeks, are hated because of their similarly-sounding and hugely unpronounceable names. They are still considered a tough proposition though, mainly on the back of a goal that Gheorge Hagi scored 14 years ago.

Coxie.

Clive Tediousley.

"...to your commentators Jim Beglin and, first, Clive Tyldesley."

Urgh.

As the Scousers hold aloft their scarves and bellow their anthem, Tyldesley shall begin his own verbal assault on the nation's ears tonight. Within moments of the handover from Steve Rider, Tyldesley will have declared it to be "another special European night at Anfield".

As the camera pans across the Kop, Clive will remind us that "they live* for nights like this...and they've had a few."

Because that is Clive's bag. Overblown, romance-soaked eulogies...followed inevitably by nauseating asides.

Imagine Liverpool manage to storm into an early lead:

"Arsenal need two goals at Anfield. I wonder if that's ever happened before...?"

Classic Clive, at his face-punchingly smug worst. Not a live and exclusive match goes by on ITV without Tyldesley testing the public's collective patience with one of his ghastly rhetorical questions.

Others include recalling the early exploits of now-established players. A typically greasy example would be

"...a goal from a certain Wayne Rooney. I wonder what happened to him?"

If Arsenal do find themselves desperately chasing a goal, it increases the chances of Jamie Carragher moving within range of Clive's radar:

"...and it's Jamie Carragher again for Liverpool. He's been everywhere tonight."

I would advise all Arsenal and Liverpool supporters to mute your TVs and put on the radios. But you might get Alan Green. Or even Talksport.
Adam.
*Note - all words in bold signify Clive's trademark squirted emphasis.

Ha'way the Fools

Each season, The Angle likes to identify a Comedy Caretaker, very much in the Les Reed mould. A guy surely doomed to fail due to his ineptitude yet will carry on doggedly, hoping that a determined look and the right image will save him from the axe. This year, the obvious choice is Ray Lewington - after he took over from Lawrie Sanchez at Fulham, he was in line for the Comedy Caretaker award with his earnest protestations that he had indeed thrown his hat into the ring - a hat that was swiftly volleyed out of the ring by Mohammed Al-Fayed before it even had a chance to land. Al-Fayed’s action allowed Lewington to get back to what he should have been doing all along - namely worrying about whether “the new man” would bring “his own people in”. As a result, Lewington just misses out on the award.

So, The Angle looks elsewhere and, with comedy on the agenda, there seems to be only one suitable place to look – Newcastle United Football Club.

All teams have myths and clichés attached to them – The samba flair of Brazil, the technically superior Dutch and, of course, the unwritableoffness of the Germans. All good examples of international team clichés but no domestic team can compete with those attached to Newcastle United.

Now, we know that expectations are always high at St James' Park, because Sky have told us over and over again. This from a team which had spent much of the 1980s in the second division and haven’t won the league since 1927.

Except expectations are not high. Quite reasonably, Geordies' expectations of winning the league were at their highest when they were 12 points clear at the top of the table and, since then, have been restricted to not getting relegated and maybe qualifying for Europe.

We all know that they wanted Alan Shearer as manager, although we suspect this is true in the same way that Man United fans wanted Roy Keane and Arsenal fans wanted Tony Adams - i.e. after they’ve shown they’re actually any good at it by practising on someone else’s club first.

We all know that they love their football up there. The RNLI have a signal, maybe a flare, which alerts them to danger and tells them to drop everything and make their way to the boathouse for imminent launch into the stormy seas. The Angle suspects that there is a similar system in the city of Newcastle. Every time a piece of breaking news emanates from St James’ Park, a signal is made and, by the time Sky Sports News gets there, they have no need to corral some passer-by who doesn’t know what’s going on into an interview because there are already thousands of them at the steps.

They are there for sales of players – think back to dear old Keegan trying to justify selling his best centre-forward to future title rivals Manchester United in exchange for Keith Gillespie - and for the purchase of players, as when they signed Michael Owen during the day, when the rest of us were at work and 18,000 Geordies turned up to see a bemused footballer holding a football shirt.

And we also know that Keegan is a bit of wimp when it comes to the going getting tough, having walked out on every job he’s ever had, grazed his knee coming off his bike on Superstars and getting a good hiding whilst sleeping in his car in a lay-by. So what makes Keegan more likely to be this season’s Comedy Caretaker? The appointment of a director of football, that’s what. Second only to the dreaded vote of confidence as a prelude to a swift departure, the appointment of a director of football, someone who sits upstairs, is one of the aspects of the game imported from abroad - because, apparently, it works at Real Madrid (although whether Fabio Capello or Vicente Del Bosque would agree is another matter) and therefore can’t possibly fail in England. All this despite the two most successful clubs being dictatorships, from Ferguson’s Stalin to Wenger’s Mao, while even Jose Mourinho succumbed to the undermining presence of the director of football.

Kevin Keegan may assure us that he's “the man in charge” and that his “decision is final” but the reality is the next manager of Newcastle will not be Alan Shearer, but Dennis Wise.

Coxie.

The Eleventh Hour.

Yesterday saw the the transfer window slam shut and with it a cluster of clichés get trotted out. Players all over the country failed to do their ties up properly and practised their best “I didn’t want to leave XYZ but as soon as I heard ABC were in for me, it was an easy decision” rubbish. The loan system was put to good use, with a number of teams sending out their 17-year-olds for valuable first team experience to prepare them for the next twenty years of really needing first team football at this stage of their careers.

Sky Sports News get terribly excited on days such as this, with actual things happening that they can report on rather than endlessly looping mildly controversial incidents from four days ago. However, it was still not quite enough to prevent them from stating on their news ticker:

BREAKING NEWS: HARRY REDKNAPP THINKS JERMAIN DEFOE WILL BE A GOOD SIGNING

Well, fancy that - a manager trying to sign a player he thinks will do well. Although, this being Harry Redknapp, [this part of the sentence has been censored to ensure that Mr. Redknapp will still talk to us rather than have Tony Adams taking four hours to finish an interview].

Portsmouth signing Jermaine Defoe produced one of the finest examples of how ingrained the cliché has become in the discourse of modern football, giving rise to the first of an occasional series entitled Nonsensical Cliché of the Week.

“It’s a great opportunity to play football…”

Good start to the sentence there, a slight variation on the “at this stage of my career” theme.

“…I just want to play for Portsmouth and score as many goals as I can this season…”

Second point well made, you would think. Fans of Portsmouth must be pleased that their new £7 million striker plans to score as many goals as he can, because that, after all, is what he is there for.

However, as we are about to see, something goes off in Defoe’s mind - a flicker of recognition of a lesson he had in “Media Training” at Charlton Athletic's academy, possibly called “Lies to Tell Towards The End of Interviews“

"…but what’s important is the three points.”

This obvious lie, developed at the Shearer Institute for Inane Comments, was designed to perpetuate the myth that strikers aren’t selfish and don’t really care about scoring.

So deeply ingrained is this in the minds of footballer that they trot it out even when, as in Defoe's case, there aren’t even any specific three points at stake – unless of course their new signing expects Portsmouth to gain a mere 3 more points between now and May.

Now that would be interesting.

Coxie.

A Cluster of Clichés

The animal world enjoys an innumerable complement of collective nouns, ranging from the wonderfully alliterative to the impenetrably obscure. You may not be surprised to learn that football has quite a few of its own.

For reasons of sensationalism, laziness, inaccuracy or diversity, football coverage has demanded that a selection of collective nouns be made available, to be drawn from whenever appropriate. The list covers all aspects of the game, and leaves us in no doubt (despite the lack of cold, hard numbers) of the plurality of the objects or subjects in question:

Raft of substitutions - The sole domain of meaningless international friendlies, where the second half becomes fragmented by the experimentation of both managers, seeking to give debuts to one-cap wonders. Games are also seen to lose their shape and tempo.

Host of opportunities - Hosts tend to be fairly negative-sounding collections, consisting of missed opportunities or absentees from the first team.

String of chances - Chances can come in strings, as can a goalkeeper's saves or a player's impressive performances. Deviating slightly from the grammatical theme, teams will also aim to string some wins together.

Brace - A pair of goals, although simply the word "brace" is sufficient, as nothing else football-related arrives in the form of a brace. Braces are often quickfire in nature, and often leave the scorer vulnerable to be substituted before he can complete his hat-trick.

Flurry of yellow cards - Card-happy referees can sometimes end a barren first half-hour or so by unleashing a flurry of yellow cards in quick succession. They will often seek to justify this sudden outburst of disciplinarianism by pointing out various areas of the pitch to bemused perpetrators of persistent fouling.

Hatful of chances - A more flagrant exaggeration, used to ridicule the overpriced striker that has missed these chances, some of which may have been gilt-edged. One of the more imprecise units of measurement in football, as there seems to be no official confirmation regarding the volume of an average hat.

Run of victories - Similar to a string of wins, but tends to be more smoothly and less desperately achieved. High-flying sides aim to embark on an amazing run of victories as they march towards the title.

Array of talent - Most commonly found at major tournaments, but can also arrive on a club's youthful conveyor belt.

Mass of bodies - Generally found at the centre of an almighty penalty-area scramble, a mass of bodies can be the reason for a statuesque goalkeeper being unsighted, as a strike from all of 30 yards flies past him.

Embarrassment of riches - To further emphasise the options a manager has at his disposal, the cumulative international caps and transfer fees of his substitutes are often stated to illustrate his embarrassment of riches. The Big Four, for example, are not averse to turning to the millions of pounds' worth of talent sitting on the bench to spare their blushes in a Carling Cup tie.

Galaxy of stars - A rather naff alternative to the rather more understated array of talent, a galaxy of stars is often presented in contrast to the part-time bunch of journeymen they may be facing in a fairytale FA Cup tie.

Glut of goals - A goal glut can occur in a specific competition, particularly a weekend of league fixtures in a certain division. We will be told how many goals flew in in the dozen or so matches, leaving us to do the maths ourselves to decide if that is actually impressive or not.

Catalogue of errors - The media are always on hand to collate previous errors by an individual, if they sense that a catalogue of errors is emerging. Alternatively, unfortunate players may wish to browse a catalogue of injuries.

Series of high-profile gaffes - A more focused and specific offshoot of the catalogue of errors, a series of high-profile gaffes tends to be more easily attributed to goalkeepers, as the likes of Paul Robinson, David James and Fabien Barthez have all found to their cost in recent years. The series of high-profile gaffes becomes so because Sky Sports News insist in endlessly looping footage of its contents. The result for the victim is often the axe.

Swarm of [insert colour here] shirts - Sides that like to get the ball down and play have an equally established dislike of being denied space. The gameplan of their successful opponents may have been to close them down, snap at their heels and ultimately squeeze the game. Commentators will note the swarm of opposition shirts that descend upon a player if he happens to find time on the ball.

Adam.

Mansfield v Middlesbrough: A Case Study of Cliché

Some casual, unstructured observations from today's FA Cup game between Mansfield Town and Middlesbrough, live on the BBC. I'll try and avoid addressing the usual Cup clichés, as that would, in turn, be an act of cliché in itself:

2 mins - Martin Keown, today's co-commentator, contends that the "swirling wind" will be a problem for the Midlesbrough defence. Therefore, watch out for a plucky Mansfield defender getting caught out by the swirling wind at some point.

5 mins - BBC coverage of a lower-league side hosting an FA Cup match is not complete without some young scamps (probably on the Beeb playroll for the afternoon) clambering up a tree outside the ground. This will, whatever its position, be described by the tradition-struck commentator as "the best seat in the house".

7 mins - David Wheater, apparently, has impressed this season. Why? The young, English, homegrown local lad has scored FOUR goals this season, making him the club's joint-top scorer. Oh, right. He can't manage to stop his side conceding to drag them away from the dropzone, but he has scored 4 goals. That's what he's in the side for, obviously.

This is typical. No defending can really catch the eye of any pundits, but a couple of goals will always be conspicuous for a defender. Furthermore, as soon as one media outlet describes him as "having an outstanding season", others will blindly follow.

My advice to any young defender would be to go up for a few corners. Get lucky at some set-pieces, and the media will be all over you.

17 mins - In a massive turn-up for the books, Mansfield's bright start has been followed by a straightforward Middlesbrough goal, caused by the Mansfield defence getting caught out by the swirling wind. The opener is "barely deserved", of course, because Mansfield have had a couple of corners at the other end.

25 mins - Robert Huth is booked for clearing the ball and following through on Michael Boulding's midriff. Cue horrified yelps from the commentators, convinced that a red card should have been issued. You wonder, if a Mansfield player had done the same, if the incident would have been dismissed as "clumsy". But no, Huth's foot "cut Michael Boulding in two".

47 mins - The second half begins with another bright start by Mansfield. A couple of corners brings about an "air of belief" at Field Mill.

60 mins - Mansfield embark on a "magnificent spell" of two corners and zero shots on goal.

73 mins - Martin Keown shares a joke with the commentator about the size of the latter's car. The nation can breathe a sigh of relief as it collectively ticks the box marked "Self-Deprecatory Joke between Commentators".

81 mins - Gareth Southgate demonstrates the modern skill common amongst aspirational, young English managers - standing up from the bench and clapping earnestly towards one or more of his players.

84 mins - A Mansfield defender commits an "understandable" foul, to go with the home side's "unfortunate" individual errors and under-hit set-pieces, which have been "a shame".

86 mins - Mansfield score an own-goal. "Cruel".

Adam.